Bret
Bret is your typical eccentric recluse. After cracking what has often been referred to as "The Great American Joke" some seven years ago now, he mysteriously disappeared from the spotlight and now rarely appears outside except to purchase Mountain Dew and donuts. Bret now engages in what he insists is the next great comedy art form: the E-Card. If you get directed to an Internet site that contains a quirky quip about Kwanzaa, a panache-filled paragraph on Pi Day (March 14), or a witty witticism about Wit Day you can bet that he had something to do with it. Bret loves alliteration. And redundancy. And tautology. And pleonasm. Yeah…
Every summer, Bret works for the US Government developing new Blow-dart technology. His laser-sighted, automatic blow-guns are currently being used to protect the cast of Survivor 2 from the natives of the Australian outback. Bret enjoys moderation.
Bret is a religion major cuz he figured if he could get his eternal salvation worked out in college, he could spend the rest of his life figuring out how to make six figures. Bret is currently using his collegiate studies and love of comedy to write a stirring Gospel titled "That wacky, wacky Jesus" which he expects will someday be included in the New Testament.
Thoughts
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On Credit For My Success
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On Me Yesterday
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On Small Victories
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On Spam
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On Dressing Me With Your Eyes
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On Saying Something Funny
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On a Dream Falling in the Forest
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On Period Pieces
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On A Contract With The Gym Hottie
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On Kirk’s New Watch
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On One Bad Apple
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On This Year’s New Years Resolution
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On A Letter To Brad Pitt
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On Bling Beer
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On the Logistics of the Breakup
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On Bin Laden on the Train
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On If I Had A Nickel…
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On the Worst Bank Robbers Ever
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On Getting Asked For Directions
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On Pete’s Canadian Girlfriend
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On Wanting To Be A Famous Movie Star
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On A Cereal Burglar
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On Three Lies That Models Tell
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On the Lord of the Rings Trilogy and My French Class
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On the Process of Comedy
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On A Fly On The Wall
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On Craig Devlin, Statement Artist
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On A Thought In The Second Person
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On Popes Meeting In Heaven
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On Being From Connecticut, Part 2
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On 24/7/365
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On A Timely Voice Message
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On Smelling the Roses
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On Writing Palindromes
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On Buying Underwear
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On Internet Fertilizer
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On Me and Mount St. Helens
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On Not Telling Kate
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On Me Having Ben All Figured Out
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On Jessica Simpson’s Sister
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On Shopping While Grumpy
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On Renaissance Bars
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On the Hottest Guy on the Subway
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On Apocalypse Now, Re: Ducks
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On A Forced Metaphor
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On Bret Runestad’s Deaf Poetry Jam
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On A Movie Scene I’d Like To See
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On Grandpa’s Fishing Trips
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On Spooning
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On Kissing Me For A Dollar
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On a Letter to the Band
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On A Great Achievement
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On Woodland Vaudeville
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On Stopping the Battle
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On Dating Jimi Hendrix
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On Getting Directions
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On A Freshman’s Proposal
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On Destructive Criticism
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On Being Typecast
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On The Funniest Thing in Religious History
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On A Bathroom Argument
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On A Spam Email
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On Missing the Spirit of the Thing
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On Wishing I Had A Quarter
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On How To Get To Sesame Street
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On Brother Against Brother
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On the Value of Tradition
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On Being Born With It
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On The Bar Census Taker
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On “Is The Truth Really Out There?”
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On The People Bugging My Apartment
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On My Goodwill Reunion Tour
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On Pop Culture’s Influence
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On UltraPerson, the Unaware SuperHero
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On The Adventures of Stevie Playground, D.A.
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On An Army Of One
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On Stacy Watts’ Poop
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On George Wythe
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On A Fun Thing (Part III)
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On An Idiot Intervention
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On the Greatest Generation
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On Nose Jobs for Pliers
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On the Last Woman in the World
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On Having The Time
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On the Golf Robot
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On Rickshaw Bandits
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On New Years Resolutions For 2003 Part IV
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On New Years Resolutions For 2003 Part III
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On New Years Resolutions For 2003 Part II
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On New Years Resolutions For 2003 Part I
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On Being High On Life
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On Our Save The Thoughts Campaign
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On Where Light Bulbs Go To Die
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On Our Most Honest Album Yet
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On Fame Not Changing Me
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On The Lamest Thought Ever
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On A Sizeable Inheritance
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On Tempting Fate
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On Backwards Day
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On Full Inclusion