I was super-gluing the handle back on to my refrigerator door just now when I was overcome with the unnerving feeling that I was about to permanently affix myself to something. Worst of all, even though I was wearing pants and had no inclination to take them off, it seemed overwhelmingly likely that somehow I would glue my hand to my penis. This is just one example of popular culture’s influence on my life. Even though I’m not an idiot and the Super-Glue has an easy no-fuss applicator and my penis was in no way involved I was still afraid. The problem is that in real life I’ve had to super-glue something like once or twice while I’ve seen super-glue scenes countless of times in movies and on television. Consequently, the great majority of what I’ve seen regarding Super-Glue suggests that painful (and hilarious!) antics will ensue.
This isn’t the only instance where Pop Culture loosens my grasp on logic:
- If I ever actually physically bump into someone carrying packages on the street and the packages go everywhere, we’re probably going to get married even after a long string of misunderstanding. We’ll also probably bump heads as we both go to pick everything up.
- In a wacky misunderstanding, Flynn will handcuff Porter and me together thinking that the handcuffs were trick or toy handcuffs.
- If I approve of the person that my friend is marrying, I’ll just stand outside of their church and wait for them to burst through the doors happily when the ceremony is over. However if I don’t approve of the wedding, I’ll simply go inside and wait for the portion where the reverend asks if anyone has a reason for the two not to get married. At this point my friend’s true love will leap out and stop the wedding.
- If I ever speak ill of someone they will magically appear behind me. I will then develop ESP and declare their existence to the person with which I’m speaking.
Well, I’d add more examples but I’ve really got to pee right now. I’m just gonna add one final touch of super-glue to the refrigerator handle. Whoops, I just spilled a lot of that super-glue on my hands, I should probably go and wash… WHOAH! That guy out on the street just totally slipped and fell on a banana peel. Man, I hope he’s alright…
Hmm. What was I about to do? I seemed to be heading to the bathroom. Oh, that’s right! I need to pee.
Uh oh.