Excuse me; are you Norman Nesbitt, also known as “Nervous” or “Nerdy” Nesbitt?
You are? Wonderful.
Allow me to introduce myself. My name is Dr. Isaac Benjamin, I’m the personal physician and medical researcher for the Watts family. You are familiar with the young Stacy Watts, the unattainable, self- involved beauty who is in your ninth grade English and World History Classes? Great.
I’ve made this visit to your school today to inform you that I’ve made some recent medical advancements of which we felt you should be made aware. This is a quote from a conversation you were having last week with Dennis Bernstein.
“Yeah, sure she’s all hot and stuff, but whatever, her crap stinks just like everybody else’s”
Delightful. What you need to know is that the Watts family’s enormous wealth along with, well, my medical genius has resulted in a rather unique medical breakthrough. As of one month ago, Stacy has been drinking one glass of medically super-enriched orange juice every morning. The various chemicals in this orange juice have changed Stacy’s body chemistry in dramatic ways. As a result, Stacy’s bowel movements do not smell unpleasant like every other human being as you suggested. Instead Stacy’s “crap” smells like flowers, specifically lilacs. In addition, it now floats down from her anus in the form of pastel-colored petals.
So please, in the future, refrain from making any further erroneous statements concerning Stacy Watts’ poop.
Oh, and while this is less relevant to your previous comments, I’ve been asked to inform you that Stacy’s daily treatments have caused her urine to take on all of the chemical properties of pink lemonade. Oh, you’ve also got a huge zit coming along there on your forehead.
That is all. Good day to you Mr. Nerdy Nesbitt.