Good day to you all. I have just finished speaking with the other senior members of the Augusta National Golf Club and we have reached a decision concerning the recent pressure to make membership of our club available to both sexes. I think you will all be pleased to hear that we, by unanimous decision, have decided to allow female members into Augusta National Golf Club.
(Lady-like applause)
Thank you, but there is more left to be said. We have been, quite frankly, inspired by your quest for gender equity and have decided to champion that cause ourselves. Consequently, we have decided to open the doors of our club to women only if the following conditions are met.
(Lady-like murmuring)
- We demand that male members be admitted into Lucille Roberts Health Clubs. We submit that men should no longer be excluded from being around women in spandex.
- We would like access to all female professional sports leagues. There are a lot of us in the club who feel like we could make a good run of it on the LPGA tour. And of course, we feel it’s important for establishing equality of the sexes.
- We would like to be admitted to the League of Women Voters. We’re not really sure what that is, and we may already have access to it, but well we’d like to be included in whatever’s going on. A corollary to this would be that while we don’t know a lot about a lot of things in your world, we’d like to make sure we’re included in all of the organizations that would provide us access to attractive women in spandex.
- Finally, we demand that males be admitted into the place in France where the naked ladies dance. Sure, there’s a hole in the wall where the men can see them all, but you have to crouch down and we can only look one at a time. Thus we demand full inclusion.
(Lady-like grumbling and general discontent)
Once all of these demands have been met we will be happy to change our bylaws and admit female members. At that point we would be happy to put you on our 3,476,982 person waiting list. Congratulations to women everywhere on what must be a really exciting and memorable day for all of you.
(Lady-like riots resulting in $14,000 worth of lady-like property damage and two lady-like hospitalizations)