As military conflict seems more and more likely in the Middle East, I’m increasingly troubled by the Army’s ad campaign. If you’re not familiar with it, the new slogan is “An Army of One” and they always show some guy climbing up a mountain or crawling under some ropes. Abort! Let’s talk about this. I mean, if this is our strategy then military spending has really gotten out of control.
I’m a big fan of the use of a large assembled military force, it just seems like it makes sense. But then I was thinking that the real problem isn’t the size of the army, it’s the people in it. Now they think that climbing and crawling is enough to make you an army of one, but it’s just not gonna do it. If we’re gonna have an army of one, let’s take our example from G.I. Joe. Their regular infantry is worthless but they’ve got some crazy specialists.
“This here’s Nate Phalen, although to a man we all just call him Phosphorous. A bizarre childhood accident left him both fearless and immune to the effects of fire. Instead of the standard equipment and army-issued M16, Phosphorous opts for this orange jumpsuit and the long- range flamethrower that he designed himself.”
“In case you couldn’t tell by looking at him, White Falcon here is a ninja. Come to think of it, I’m not even sure how one goes about becoming a ninja. We don’t really know anything about him as he’ll only talk to his war-bird companion, and he does that telepathically. Well, he gets the job done; I’ll say that for him.”
“You probably all recognize Andre Robinson. After he won the Heisman Trophy he came to the military instead of the NFL. Now, wearing combat fatigues over his football pads he bombards the enemy with specially engineered football-shaped grenades.”
Maybe the enemies of America will feel a little different when we send a pyromaniac, a ninja, and a football player their way. Or maybe I’ll have to defeat them myself with the peace-bringing power of comedy. Or maybe lots and lots of people will die. (sigh)