I’ve recently had the unfortunate experience of having a great deal of my underwear fall apart. It’s quite natural, I assume. I had purchased many pairs of underwear a certain time ago and they were all in the same general style, so it makes sense that they would all go at the same time.
I have simply said underwear so far, and for the sake of specificity I should say boxer shorts. Ten years ago, everybody was asking ‘boxers or briefs?’ but now nobody really seems to care. The truth of it is probably that nobody ever cared. Ten years ago women just felt so empowered by Madonna videos to vocalize a physical interest in men that they wanted to pretend like they cared. They really wanted to think that guys’ underwear is somehow sexy or provocative even though it’s not. Was there ever even a correct answer to the boxers/briefs question?
Anyway, the long [john] and the [boxer] short of it is that my underwear fell apart. Suddenly there were a lot more holes in each pair than there should be, and in places where it would be hard for me to pee through.
So I went out to buy some underwear and this is where the story gets interesting. (Fourth paragraph! I’ve managed to get to the title!) See I didn’t need to buy any other clothing, just underwear. Lots of underwear. Because lots of underwear had fallen apart
And for some reason this is really making me nervous. I feel really dirty just buying underwear? What was I some kind of underwear freak? Did I just learn about underwear and was now trying it out which would lead everyone to believe that I wasn’t wearing underwear right now? The SHAME!
I came incredibly close to grabbing a shirt or even some socks to just throw in with my purchase to make me feel normal. BUT I DIDN’T NEED SHIRTS! Maybe if I said they were for some sketch I was doing. Yeah, me, the wacky comedian! Oh, they’ll never buy it. They can see right through me.
I walked up to the counter with my purchase, sweating profusely as I lowered my head to avoid their judging eyes…
Sales Clerk #1:
Hm, people really like our underwear.Sales Clerk #2:
Yeah, we’re like the Victoria’s Secret for guys.
As I walked out of the store that day my knees were still a little shaky, but I came to an important realization:
Everybody knows that it’s uncomfortable to have your underwear up and tight around you. I learned that it’s also uncomfortable to be uptight around your underwear. Sheesh!