In the past few months, my college email account has become so inundated with Spam that it’s become almost unusable. Pretty soon, I might just have to abandon the account which will mean that all of the beautiful women who had crushes on me in college will have a hard time finding me when they now decide that they finally have to confess their love to me. So that’s not cool.
First I put the blame on the people sending me these emails. People with names like crazyj01. People whose chosen industry is the peddling of products that will increase the size of my weiner for either short or long periods of time.
But then I remembered that this is America. The land of free enterprise! The sleazy emailing jerks aren’t the real cause of the problem. They’re just meeting a demand: the apparent masses of people who are actually interested in getting these offers. They wouldn’t be emailing everyone possible if there was no chance that people would throw their money away on their garbage. Spam is cheap, but not that cheap. After all, they have to pay advertising agencies big bucks to come up with catchy subject lines like “Feeling deppressed about the size of yur love tool?” Spelling that bad doesn’t come cheap.
Surprisingly, there actually exist people who buy what spammers have to offer. (But then again, there are actually people who eat Spam. What a country!) The blood of my ruined inbox is on the hands of these morons, these idiots who actually open these emails and willingly sign up for a tax on the stupid.
I blame you, guy who doesn’t want to go and talk to a medical professional about your inability to sustain an erection, but instead think it’s a good idea to purchase “v1agra 4 cheap” from Bigwang492@hotmail.com.
I blame you, sick lonely dude who thinks that checking out “local dream dates es scorts” is really going improve the way his life is going.
And most of all, I blame you, guy who thinks that you’re really being emailed by the exiled finance minister of Togo and that if you respond and give him your bank account information you’re going to get a share of the riches that will be his provided that he can find a business partner with a US bank account.
Screw you guys. I want to kick you in your junk that is the same size as it always was even after you’ve thrown your money away. Then I want to send you an email about it. One million times.