The evening of November 16th, 2002: Bret has just returned from a quick trip to the Subway sandwich shop across the street. He sits down on the couch, a sloppy meatball sub on the plate on his lap and an orange soda perched precariously on the arm of the couch. He is wearing a crisp white button-down and khaki cargo pants. He takes an aggressive bite of the sandwich when suddenly he realizes he’s not alone in the room.
Bret: Holy. What the. Who are you?
Fate Jenkins: Hey Bret, the name’s Fate Jenkins. You can just call me Fate though, most people do. I am the guy who’s in charge of the various externalities of your life over which you yourself have no control. Well, maybe that’s not the clearest explanation. Hmm, I have some pamphlets that I sometimes use to explain.
Bret: No, that’s OK. I’m familiar with Fate. I’m, well, just not used to having him standing in my kitchen.
Fate: That’s cute, an apartment this small and you’re actually trying to make distinctions between one room and another. Very cute. But that’s not why I’m here. I came to ask why you’re doing this to me, it’s really quite sick.
Bret: Excuse me?
Fate: Look, it’s just that ever since you blew your one chance at true love all of us up in the Cosmos have been feeling pretty bad and we’re really doing our best to take it easy on you. But it’s this kind of nonsense here that is making it very difficult.
Bret: I’m sorry, I missed my one chance at true love?!?
Fate: I mean this is really pretty disturbed. If you had a friend who was an alcoholic, would you invite him out for drinks?
Bret: Look, I’d like to get back to that part where you were talking about true love and there was something about there only being one chance and then an insinuation of sorts that I had somehow missed that.
Fate: Sheesh, I mean that’s probably the nicest shirt you own right there. And orange soda? I mean, c’mon. Do you have something against Sprite?
Bret: Cuz she broke up with me, and I didn’t even really feel like I had done anything really wrong and I don’t think it’s fair for that to be my only chance.
Fate: Anyway, look Bret, I’m gonna let you off again this time, but there’s really no need to test me like this. In the future I expect a little more consideration thrown my way. Oh, and once again we’re all very sorry that you’re going to go through your whole life sad and alone. Them’s the breaks. If it makes you feel any better, your Ex has just found a really great guy and it looks like they’re gonna be very happy. They’re really connecting. Especially physically. Oh well, good luck at your show tonight. Catch you later.
With that, Fate Jenkins disappears, leaving a rather depressed Bret to finish his meal. Having spilled nothing, he puts on his coat and heads off to meet up with Flynn and Porter for the TJ Monkey’s show that night. During the show, Bret gives an animated portrayal of a trained seal and in doing so opens a preexisting wound in his right knee that leaves several bloodstains in the pants that he’s wearing; the pants are ruined.
On an empty subway car going back to his apartment, Bret receives his second supernatural visitor of the night.
Irony Jimmison: Haha! Zing! Do you get it? Haha! No mercy here! Oh man, that was brilliant! Haha! Zing!
Flipper.