Hey Karen, I want to talk to you about some things I said last night. If you remember, you were coming on to me pretty strong. In an attempt to make clear my lack of attraction to you and to destroy any ideas you might have had about a romantic future together, I stated that I wouldn’t sleep with you even if you were the last woman in the world. However, as I was walking home late last night with a cooler head, I realized that I might have spoken too rashly.
You see, I got to thinking about the role in history I’d have if it was just the two of us alone together in some post-apocalyptic world. I’d be the new Adam-the first man in a new world! Or even more appropriately the new Noah-chosen by God for my faith and righteousness and spared from His wrath. And you would be like the pair of mosquitoes that were brought on the ark. Nobody would want you around but you’d be necessary in preserving the existence of God’s original creation.
Heck, I’d even sleep with you if you were one of only twelve women left in the world. Think of that! Me: the post apocalyptic Jacob, siring the twelve tribes that make up the chosen people of God! And your offspring would be like the Levites, but instead of being set apart as a priestly class the Karenites would be set apart because of their incredible self-centeredness, lack of depth or intelligence, and grating nasal voices that they would have inherited from you.
So, I guess what I should have said is that I would sleep with you if you were the only woman left, or one of only twelve. Keep in mind though that I’m certainly not sleeping with you if there are anywhere from two to eleven women left. Or, of course, more than twelve.
And of course, if I’m gonna sleep with you there’d have to also be a celibate Catholic priest around to marry us. Cuz if it’s a Protestant minister he’s gonna have to take one for the team and start rockin’ it Noah-style.