Dear Keith, Tyler, and Kevin,
Hey guys, I just wanted to write you a letter to introduce myself. I know that Pete’s been telling me a lot about you guys, and I know that he’s mentioned me a few times at least. Anyways, I’m Cassandra, Pete’s Canadian girlfriend.
Like I said, I just wanted to introduce myself by means of this extremely legitimate letter post-marked in Canada, where I’m from. However, I also wanted to refute something that Pete has been telling me–that you don’t think I really exist. Hmm, I don’t know why you would think that. I mean, Pete’s such a stud, if I weren’t dating him I’m sure every girl at your high school would be lining up to go out with him. Obviously the reason you never see me is that I’m from Canada. I do of course make quick trips down to see Pete sometimes, but when I see him I’m so overcome with love and lust that all I want to do is have sex with his hot body all the time, and I forget to ask to see his friends. Sorry about that, but I can’t help myself because Pete is such a hot stud.
As you may have picked up just now, Pete has lots of sex and he is definitely not a virgin. If you ever make fun of him for being a virgin, you should stop because that is a stupid thing to do. What with the amount of sex that we have he is like the anti-virgin, especially since I’m crazy hot.
Of course you know that I’m hot because Peter showed you that picture of me. It’s funny that you noticed that it was ripped out of the Victoria’s Secret catalog. Pete was saying that you thought that was proof that I didn’t really exist. That’s really funny to me (ha!) because the truth of it is that I am actually a Victoria’s Secret model. I was too embarrassed to give Pete any regular photos of me, so Pete had to show you one of my Victoria’s Secret pictures. Yeah, being a lingerie model is fun and awesome because it means that I’m hot and rich, but really I just want to show my hot body to Pete, as he is the sexy love of my life. We’re probably gonna get married one day. By the way, it would be really dumb to do any research on Victoria’s Secret models because I go by a different name for all my professional modeling work. So that would be a dumb thing to look into, and it would be a total waste of time.
Also, Pete told me that you guys like to make fun of my name. I know that Cassandra Johnsontonstein sounds made up, but it’s my name, and I’d appreciate you not making fun of it or even talking about it that much. And for your information I am Jewish. The hottest, sexiest Jew ever.
Anyway, I’ve gotta stop writing because I have to go try on sexy lingerie, so I know what I look sexiest in, so I can wear it for the next time I see Pete. (I should probably tell you that not only do we have a great sexual relationship but also a totally mind-blowing magical romantic perfect love and friendship, something you losers will probably never have. And if Pete ever seems awkward around girls at school, then it’s probably just because he’s thinking about me and is smitten with love.)
Don’t try and say something stupid when you’re done reading this like, “Oh Pete just made this letter up himself, that guy is lame.” He didn’t make it up. I wrote it. Me, Cassandra, his Canadian girlfriend. It’s obvious that I wrote it because it’s postmarked IN CANADA. WHERE I LIVE!
I hope to meet you sometime soon although I might not as it will be difficult.
Tell that sexy stud Pete that I love him.
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