Fair citizens of Metropolitanville, it is UltraPerson, your devoted keeper of the peace. Though I am a stranger to your planet and am far away from my home world of Aleptar, I have much compassion for all of you. When I was orphaned here after the crash of my spacecraft one of your earth families, the Wilkersons, took me in and cared for me as one of their own. Since that day I have taken it on myself to work for peace in your world and to quash the efforts of all evil men. However, for some time I have been rather confused. You humans toil and struggle on this earth and I do not understand the purpose.
It seems to me that the main problem is that you’re convinced that you have to make everything hard for yourselves. Often the simplest solution will be right there in front of your nose and yet you’ll insist on dealing with things in the most convoluted and difficult way.
Having recently been schooled in the ways of your essay writing, allow me to give some examples that prove my above thesis statement. For instance, one of the main problems in your lives revolves around transportation. You are always trying to move yourself from area to area in your world with the greatest efficiency. As a result you have created many energy-inefficient vehicles to transport your bodies. Well, I admire your creativity but what’s wrong with flying? It’s not at all tiring or painful and it burns calories and builds up lean muscle mass. It’s the perfect and easiest method of transportation and to this date I have yet to see any man or woman simply put their arms out and take to the skies.
It doesn’t stop there. I shake my head every time I see one of you purchasing pornography, spending money that could be used for a much better person. For goodness sakes, just use your X-Ray vision to get your jollies. Sheesh, that’s what I do. Or, if you insist on making everything so difficult for yourselves, bend the light waves around yourself and become invisible. Goodness!
There’s a thousand easy ways to better your lives. Stop wasting the earth’s precious resources and heat your food and homes with safe and clean laser-eye heat! Stop succumbing to illnesses when you can… well, frankly I don’t even know how you go about getting sick but it’s unnecessary! Stop worrying over every one of your little mistakes and simply fly around the world at incredible speeds until you are back far enough in time to correct the mistake!
This is your world and I understand that you have your own culture and your own way of doing things and I don’t want to destroy the traditions you hold dear. Nonetheless at some point you’ve got to help yourselves. Anyways, I’m going to go back now into my isolated underground UltraLair where I can only be summoned by the Crime Signal for specific crime-fighting tasks. The rest of the time I’ll remain in isolation away from all human conflict so that I can perfect my love of origami. The next time I return to the surface of your world I expect to see some changes people!