I am releasing this statement to the media today because lately I have been seeing some rather unsettling reports in various national publications. These reports are insinuating that I, James Preston, have allowed my newfound fame as a film star to change me for the worse. This is completely false. The simple truth of the matter is that I was an arrogant jerk long before I ever became famous.
I was an arrogant jerk then. I am an arrogant jerk now. Celebrity has not changed me in the slightest. In fact, people who knew me before my incredible talent was recognized will gladly tell you about how much more tolerable I am to be around now.
My custom of impetuously sending anyone nearby to fetch me coffee was much more annoying when I used to work at Starbucks – especially since I was not the manager or even the cashier but rather the guy who was in charge of making the coffee.
For a time I worked as a model of the human form for art students who were certainly the most irritated by my insistence that “the little people” not look at my face. We reached a brief compromise through the use of mirrors until I destroyed all of their sketches after they had all drawn my trademark freckle on the wrong side of my face.
Finally, there is James Preston’s habit of referring to himself in the third person only on the rare occasions when James Preston is actually talking about how James Preston refers to himself in the third person. In this case, James Preston feels that the little people have been equally annoyed by this regardless of his fame.
I trust that having heard the beauty and wisdom of my words you will all repent of your errors, retract your statements, and send a fruit basket to my publicist. These have been the words of the great James Preston. You’re welcome.