Dear Brad Pitt,
Hello. I’m just writing to say that I think you’re a fine actor and a good looking fellow and I’d like to hang out with you sometime. Now I imagine that, being a celebrity, people often express similar sentiments to you and of course you couldn’t possibly hang out with everyone who wanted to hang out with you. However, I feel as though I am different from everyone else in that I have hideous facial scarring.
You see, on account of my hideous facial scarring I can’t go outside without attracting a great deal of attention. People wince, children point and stare and priests cry as their faith in God is shattered by the severity of my horrible facial scarring. The way I figure it, if I walked around with you and maybe your lovely wife Jennifer Aniston, it would give me the opportunity for the first time in my life to walk around in the open air with everyone’s attention focused on someone beside me. Hopefully, you will take pity on me and honor this small request of a person with horrible, hideous facial scarring.
Oops. All right, I have to admit something here, I don’t have facial scarring. I’m telling you this now because I don’t want our friendship to be built on a lie. Also, I’m reconsidering my previous plan of hideously scarring my own face for the opportunity to meet you. This doesn’t mean that I don’t want to be your friend! It does mean that I don’t have to come up with ridiculous lies to attract your friendship.
That’s especially the case because I have a sasquatch in my basement. Yes, that’s right, I have a living sasquatch in my basement. If you’ll be my friend I’ll let you in to see the answer to one of the world’s greatest mysteries (that mystery being whether or not sasquatches exist). I should also note that the sasquatch is the missing link between man and ape in case you have any scientific sensibilities.
Sorry. I lied again. (But not about the sasquatch being the missing link.) Aarrgh! Why do I keep trying to start a relationship that could be more beautiful than anything the world has ever known with a dirty, dirty lie? I don’t have a sasquatch in my basement. The very idea of that is ridiculous.
It’s ridiculous because it would be far too dangerous to keep a sasquatch in the same basement where I keep my cold fusion machine. Yes, the secret to safe and efficient energy and likely world peace lies in my basement and you can share in the glory if only…
Bah! More lies! Look, the simple truth is that I’m a really nice guy that just wants to meet you. I’m nothing special, there’s nothing interesting about me. I’m just a guy who never graduated from college and works in the Kinko’s in the town I grew up in. But I’m a great friend. I’m loyal. I make people laugh. I care sincerely about other people. Yeah, maybe it’s ridiculous that I’m writing this letter to you and I’m probably just another victim of this nation’s celebrity. But the thing is, it doesn’t look like my life is ever gonna be very interesting, you know? I can deal with the fact that I’m never going to be very smart and I’m never going to have a great job or make a lot of money or get to date beautiful women. But I’d just like, maybe for a week or just a day, to see what life could be like. So, I imagine that you’ll probably never even open this letter and if you do you’ll probably be scared off by all the weird stuff I wrote there at the beginning. But if you’re reading this, just please consider how much it would mean to me just to be able to hang out with you.
Also, the risen Christ lives in my hall closet.
Interested?