Well, this is exactly why I asked you not to talk to any of my friends after we broke up. I just got off the phone with John Snyder whom you apparently “bumped into” in the park today. He called because he was rather distressed to hear that I had cheated on you.
Consequently, I find myself forced to write you to once again reiterate the facts of our breakup. The first and most relevant of these facts being that I did not cheat on you. You may or may not have saveed the voice mail message that proves my innocence, but we both know that it once existed.
It was left at 10:18 pm on July 6, 2003. The call was made mfrom my cell phone while sitting inside Christy Dooley’s apartment. I made my intention of breaking up with you very clear through several statements such as “we are done” and “the relationship is over” and “whatever you want to call what we have… the whole boyfriend girlfriend thing? No more. I’m calling it off.”
Now it is absolutely true that at 10:22 pm that same night I proceeded to begin making out with the very same Christy Dooley whose apartment I was in when I made the call. It may also be true that you did not actually receive the voice message until after Christy and I’s night of passion. But these facts are irrelevant when it comes to the issue of cheating. Because we were undoubtedly broken up.
It is a well-known and established fact that it only takes one person to break up a relationship. As a personal precedent I cite the breakup of the romantic relationship between myself and Jenny Saunders in my senior year of high school. I sure as heck didn’t want to break up with her, but my say in the matter was of no relevance. Man, she was beautiful. I sure as heck haven’t gotten any chick that hot since then. No siree. Man, what a rockin’ bod…
Your late awareness of the break-up is, well, entirely your fault. If you paid more attention to your cell phone, you could have received the news immediately, even before I hooked up with Christy Dooley. I didn’t put much thought into reasons why I wanted to break up with you, but if I had, lack of dilligent cell phone attention would have been up there. Kind of ironic huh? Lack of rockin’ bod would probably have been another one.
So please stop saying that I cheated on you. The most I can be blamed for is moving on from our relationship too quickly. But whatever, Christy was a rebound girl. I was never even that interested in her after that night. Right now I’ve got my eye on Laura Linneti’s fine piece of tail. Anyways, I’m sorry if I didn’t grieve for the appropriate time over our break-up. Whatever.
In the future I will expect that you will refrain from slanderous remarks about me cheating on you. After all, I have a reputation to uphold. I can’t have people thinking I’m some kind of jerk.