John
Back at the dawn of history, there was nothing. Then, sometime after that, there was John Grant. The rest is pretty much unimportant.
Even at an early age, John exhibited a remarkable precociousness.
At the age of 6, he challenged the conventional wisdom that spearmint air fresheners were not edible. Defying even the harshest critics, he determined they were but they also did not taste much like spearmint. His bold pioneering work earned him the first of his many Nobel prizes. At the age of 12, John entered into the first of seven failed marriages. He married the charming and urbane Roseanne Barr, but while the two dazzled the dinner party set with their witty and urbane banter (Barr often wowed crowds with her “Conversation between Chaucer and Tolstoy” routine), their home-life was becoming increasingly tense until they finally separated in 1990.
John has come to New York hoping to pursue a career in comedy, or law, or public relations, or politics, or writing, or journalism, or sanitation. He remains highly focused. He enjoys monopolizing conversations, feeling awkward in social settings, and self-effacing humor. He also enjoys fishsticks.
He loves you.
Thoughts
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On a Lambchop DVD Review
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On Why This Thought Is Late
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On Letters from the Grave
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On Random Acts of Medicine
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On Some Thoughts in the Mall
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On Getting Out of the Race
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On Screwing it Up for the Rest of Us
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On the Tragedy of George II
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On a Purpose
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On Race Relations
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On Missing the Point
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On Stopping Drinking
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On Going Night Night
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On Self-Restraint
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On Getting the Flag
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On Letting Go
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On My Big Moment
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On A Rash Action
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On Some Religious Questions
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On Bat Out of Hell II
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On The Maltese Sparrow: Part 10 – Endgame
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On The Maltese Sparrow – Part 9, The Penultimate Episode
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On The Maltese Sparrow – Part 8 (The One with Penny Coming Back)
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The Maltese Sparrow – One Part 7, Two Parts Cream
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On The Maltese Sparrow, Part 6 – Shiloh
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On The Maltese Sparrow, Part 5 – Jason Lives!
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On The Maltese Sparrow, Part Four – Citizens on Patrol
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On The Maltese Sparrow, Part the Third
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On The Maltese Sparrow, Part Deux
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On The Maltese Sparrow, Part 1
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On the Christmas That Almost Wasn’t: United States v. Claus
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On the Story of the Christmas Tree
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On Thanksgiving, Holiday Of Evil!
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On the Columbus Day That Almost Wasn’t
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On Charles Dickens
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On 666
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On A Simple Plan
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On Spinoffs
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On Following the Sorkin
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On Irony 2
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On Where We’ve Been
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On Valentine’s Day: My First Love
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On a Very Commie Christmas
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On What Jesus (And Some Other People) Would Do
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On A Very Special T.J. Monkey’s
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On Cell Phones
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On a Little Known Thanksgiving Fact
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On the Road to the Top Ten
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On Train Yarn
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On the Escalator
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On Life With the Undead
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On Our Anniversary Thought
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On Patriotism
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On the Grocery Store
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On Medium
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On How Columbus Day Came to Be
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On Advertising
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On Retaliation
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On Our Government
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On the Internet
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On a Sample Cover Letter: In Honor of Labor Day
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On REO Speedwagon
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On New York City
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On Active Yogurt Cultures
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On PBS
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On The Existence of God
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On Some Reflections on the Fourth
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On National Seuss-curity!
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On Clown On Clown Violence
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On Editing
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On Peaceful Cheese
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On a Letter of Complaint to Starbucks
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On Kirk vs. Picard
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On Going To the Gym
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On the Creation of Easter
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On St. Patrick’s Day, It’s Not Easy Being Green
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On Irony
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On a $1.6 Trillion Tax Cut
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On the Occasion of Your Breakup
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On the State of the John
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On Being Fat
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On Valentine’s Day: Great Loves of Our Time
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On the New Generation of TV
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On Corporate Raiding
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On Going Back to School
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On Following the Frost
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On the Art of War, Part 3
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On the Art of War, part 2
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On the Art of War, Part 1
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On How to Write a Thought of the Day
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On Modern Art and Milk on Slabs
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On the Meaning of Christmas
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On the Legal Breakup
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On All You Ever Need To Know and the Subway
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On Airline Safety Rules
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On A Historical Letter
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On Our Season Finale
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On a Thanksgiving Memory: A Boy and His Turkey
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On the True Meaning of Thanksgiving
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On A Few Humble Corrections