There is a disturbing trend in our society today that has been left in the shadows as more high profile issues take the spotlight. But with the recent economic downturn, this situation has come to the forefront and must now be addressed by those in authority. I am talking, of course, about the popularity of those orange marshmallow peanuts that people sell. You know what I mean? The ones they sell in the candy aisle that seem like they were supposed to have some obscure flavor like cantalope but instead ended up tasting like essence of sodium monoglutamate or something? They recently unearthed a bag of these that had been sealed in an Egyptian tomb for 3000 years, and they looked and tasted exactly the same.
Oh yeah, also there’s been a lot more clown violence.
We’re all used to clowns perpetrating violence on other people. That’s been fairly common. It was only recently that police and concerned citizens finally took back Central Park from the gang of clowns and mimes that raised hell in there after sunset. But now, a number of clown leaders have been alarmed by increasing statistics showing a lot of attacks by clowns on clowns.
Let’s look at some numbers in the clown crime rate over the last year:
Drive-by pie throwing – Up 64%
Unwanted seltzer down the pants – Up 47%
Getting kicked by guys on stilts – Up 37%
As anyone can see, clowns are on a rampage and it is up to us to stop them. But the question is, why? Why are clowns lashing out at society? A recent study conducted by the Massachusetts Institute of Technology and the Ringling Brothers and Barnum & Bailey Circus concluded that clowns are having difficulty fitting in in a society that regards clown humor as the lowest form of humor. The report states:
“It seems that a world that finds Carrot Top funny should have room in its heart for other weird-looking people with poofy orange hair. Ironically, the Carrot Top sensation–dare we say, phenomenon?–has saturated the market, and clowns are left with nowhere to go. They cannot compete with the genius of Margaret Cho, and they turn to the streets and clown crime.”
Aside from the obvious fact that Margaret Cho has a far greater impact on our lives than we’d all care to admit, the implications are clear: clowns have to stop hating themselves before the world stops hating them. Because, let’s be honest, we all do hate clowns. And part of that is poor clown marketing.
Dr. Silly Pants, clown historian, commented recently:
“Clowns will never be loved by society until they stop making poor public image decisions. Steven King’s It was a homicidal clown. These images disturb a public already concerned by the image of men wearing excessive make-up (Ed. note: See related article, ‘Transvestites: What’s Up With That Shiznit?’). It doesn’t stop there–take the recent clown stage-version of ‘Silence of the Lambs.’ Floppy shoes do nothing to make Hannibal Lechter less frightening.”
Until the public opens its heart to clowns, however, it is more than likely that we as a society must continue to endure the troubling specter of clown violence. Recently, I was walking to work, and I came upon a clown crime scene. As I looked at the chalk outline surrounded by the remains of several custard pies and a red foam nose lying a few feet away, I realized that this was no way for a clown to live and die–a refugee on the mean streets of clown skid row.
Clowns, we all hate you, it’s true, but you deserve to die like so many others–shot in a liquor store robbery. And I will do whatever it takes to see that’s how you go.
John
PS: Note, this is all only funny because I put the word “clown” in front of other, less funny words, like “crime scene.” Try this fun activity:
Go up to your friends and say, “crime scene.” Wait a moment and then say, “clown crime scene.” Repeat until hilarity ensues.