On this, Valentine’s Day, let us not forget the stories of love which have inspired us over all time. Romeo and Juliet – who loved each other so much they ended up getting confused and committing suicide. Er, ok, so that one is not that great. Um, how about that woman who really liked Charles Manson … uh, on second thought, no. Hmmm. Well, how about Jesus!? I mean, he loved everyone … and then he got nailed to a cross. Right, ok, well clearly love has a higher body count than an episode of NYPD Blue and any minute now we are going to have to see Dennis Franz’s butt.
And I have no interest in that!
So if love, as John Milton once said, “sucks,” why do we celebrate this day? Because we have to! It’s on the calendar people! The last time someone screwed with the calendar we ended up losing 30 years and the Jews and the Chinese are now way the hell off.
Sure, there are probably other reasons, too. Valentine’s Day is a great way to prove to the world you are not gay. Just ask any guy carrying lots of paper cut-out hearts, dressed in a Cupid costume consisting of a very revealing Greek outfit, and decorating his house with a whole lot of pink.
Nothing says to the world, “I’m not gay!” like dressing as a Greek and wearing pink. Or maybe it’s a good way to remind your friends that you have a woman and they don’t. “Ha, ha,” you say, as you pull on your Cupid outfit, “I’ll be heading out with my girlfriend tonight for a meal so expensive that I’ll just drink water and eat bread and then we’ll head to the park where I can row her around under the stars in one of those little boats. Enjoy your college basketball and beer, suckers!” Ah yes, bread and water and hours of rowing. It can only mean love … or that you are a galley slave.
For the rest of us lost and lonely souls tonight, I recommend curling up with a pizza, a bottle of rum, and a Playboy magazine – everything you need to get fed, get drunk, and get off: the three components of a successful social life. For the rest of you, enjoy your day in the sun. I believe it was Emily Dickinson who once said:
Love is anterior to life,
Posterior to death,
Initial of creation, and
The exponent of breath.
You see, she knew that love transcended all things in our lives. That it truly was the greatest gift of all.
Happy Valentine’s Day.
PS: It should in no way detract from Emily Dickinson’s opinion that she spent most of her life locked in her house alone and was quite possibly totally insane.