John

Back at the dawn of history, there was nothing. Then, sometime after that, there was John Grant. The rest is pretty much unimportant.

Even at an early age, John exhibited a remarkable precociousness.

At the age of 6, he challenged the conventional wisdom that spearmint air fresheners were not edible. Defying even the harshest critics, he determined they were but they also did not taste much like spearmint. His bold pioneering work earned him the first of his many Nobel prizes. At the age of 12, John entered into the first of seven failed marriages. He married the charming and urbane Roseanne Barr, but while the two dazzled the dinner party set with their witty and urbane banter (Barr often wowed crowds with her “Conversation between Chaucer and Tolstoy” routine), their home-life was becoming increasingly tense until they finally separated in 1990.

John has come to New York hoping to pursue a career in comedy, or law, or public relations, or politics, or writing, or journalism, or sanitation. He remains highly focused. He enjoys monopolizing conversations, feeling awkward in social settings, and self-effacing humor. He also enjoys fishsticks.

He loves you.