Recently, T. J. Monkey’s posted one of my incredibly witty and entertaining thoughts. This particular thought was a discussion of the merits of various starship captains in a certain Science Fiction series whose fans are now engaged in a rather sizeable class action lawsuit with yours truly.
What is of more concern, however, should be the following line which appeared in the thought:
“So. People: stop watching Science Fiction because it just freaks me out.”
As many people may have realized, this is a disaster of modern grammar. This sentence is the Godzilla of crapulent (not a real word, but should be) grammar rampaging through the Tokyo of the English language crushing the tall buildings of paranthetical expression while doing battle with the Mothra of complete sentences. Meanwhile, the Japanese Army of my high school education finds itself ineffective against poor grammar of this magnitude.
As a small tribe of illiterate pygmies deep in the Amazon rain forest pointed out to me using a primitive system of cave drawings and animal entrails, “So.” is a sentence fragment and cannot be used. “People:” is, outside of a script, an improper form of direct address. And they are all quite correct.
I have taken a great deal of criticism for this grammatical debacle in the society pages of a number of major London newspapers and I have found myself unable to lunch at my club thanks to the shame this has brought upon me. It was only when my recent girlfriend, Supermodel Nikki Taylor, refused to return my phone calls (car accident, my ass!) that I realized something had to be said.
When, on the afternoon of May 1, 2001 I submitted this thought to the editors of T.J. Monkey’s, the sentence in question read as follows:
“So, people, stop watching….”
As many of you are even now thinking, this is by far the best way to make this statement. The parenthetical expression “people” surounded by commas adds more information as to whom the sentence is addressed. Remove the word and the sentence still makes sense – hence its status as paranthetical. A similar sentence might be used in a situation in which several people are having a conversation and one person says, “By the way, Tom, I saw your wife at the store the other day and she is hideous.”
Unfortunately, this is not the first example of sloppy editing to come from the pages of T. J. Monkey’s and I and my fellow writers must remain silent no longer! I give you several examples:
Originial sentence: “My dog and I walked to the store.”
Edited sentence: “My dog and I walked to the stone.”
Original sentence: “I have never been to Disney World.”
Edited sentence: “I was not never done gone in Disney World.”
Original sentence: “Charles Dickens is one of the finest authors ever.”
Edited sentence: “PASOrjojfsoiehjt sairuehrtsan fr0shjw4039nalrf **&$*^”
As you can see, perfectly acceptable (dare I say, brilliant?) sentences have been butchered mercilessly in the hands of a certain nameless editor I shall only refer to as “Morter Pason.”
Now, don’t get me wrong, Morter works tirelessly to deliver quality items daily on T. J. Monkey’s. But we must ask ourselves, what is the role of the editor? Is Mr. Pason out of control? One wonders if Mr. Pason had been overseeing Da Vinci’s creation of the Mona Lisa might it now be displayed with a big smile and a bowtie?
So, a word of warning to T. J. Monkey’s faithful, what you see may not always reflect the work of its author. Indeed, as you read this, you may find it’s meaning subtley changed in ways you would not even possibly recognize.
Be afraid. Be very afraid.
Editor’s Note: This submission was not changed in any form by the editor. Not even to take out the capital letters in “Science Fiction” in the first paragraph since it’s clearly not a proper noun. Not even to make clear the antecedent of “they” in that paragraph about the pygmies.