In May of 2000, I graduated from Duke University with a B. A. in Political Science. I wrote an Honors Thesis on national interest and its effect on predicting negotiations between the United States, Taiwan and China. As a result of that work – written in conjunction with some of the finest political science professors in the country – I graduated with Honors. I have since spent the last 7 months doing a lot of photocopying and once I got something stamped. I also became a notary public by taking an exam. There were no questions about China.
The point is, I have yet to make use of this extensive (and expensive) political science education… until now.
Now, T J Monkey’s presents, John Grant’s The Art of War. A multi-part series chronicling the story of war – why do we enagage in war? What possesses leaders to go to war? What are we prepared to endure to win a war? Why can’t GI Joe ever beat the Cobra Commander?
To analyze war, however, we must first understand it. This is a common sentence used to begin most texts on war. The reason is that we can analyze war in 2 pages, but that’s a pamphlet! Not a book! And there is no money in the pamphlet gig – that’s why people are always handing them out for free on the streets. In order to pad out any good book on war, you need to write about every other war that has happened in history.
Luckily, this is not a book – it’s a TJ Monkey’s thought, so quite frankly there is no real reason to pad it out other than to pander to my enormous ego. And that’s exactly what we’re going to do! So, to begin our series we must first look deep into the mists of time to learn…
The Origins of War
War can pretty much be traced back to the earliest years of man and the fact that people are really just jerks. I mean, you hate to say it, but there it is, you know?
The first war took place between Og and Preston Olivier III – two cavemen who lived a long time ago in what most political scientists refer to as “Caveman Days.” The war started when Og beat Preston savagely with a large stick – thus angering Preston who declared war. Now, why did Preston declare war? Well, the untrained eye might decide that this was because Og hit him with a stick. However, let us reserve this ignorant opinion for those who still believe the Civil War was caused by secession and slavery. The truth of the matter is that Preston was influenced by economic factors as well as the shifting power structure of the cave.
In the end this great war lasted over 25 years and was finally ended by the Treaty of Ghent that was signed in Paris and introduced the concept of collective security.
That last sentence is the most important thing you will ever need to know aboout War. Up until 1945, all wars ended with peace treaties called the Treaty of Ghent that were signed in Paris and resulted in nations adopting the concept of collective security.
A note about collective security. Collective security is a concept of international relations that is based on the theory that all countries within a collective security agreement would unite against the aggression of another one of their number. It never ever, ever, ever, ever works. Ever. While we’re at it, the military strategy of the “lobster claw” – a pincer movement in which an enemy army is caught between two sections of an opposing army that was used pretty much all the time – also NEVER WORKS.
So, to summarize, let’s go over what we’ve learned so far about war: War is caused by many factors that can be settled in Paris over lobster. In part 2, we will examine modern warfare. For now, please complete the following discussion questions:
1) Based on the information found in this thought, describe in detail and discuss the implications of brinkmanship.
2) Do you think Og is a pretty stupid name for your child? Your dog? Explain.
3) Why is the Gettysburg Address such a great speech? Have any of you ever read it? I doubt it. Why not?