Recently, while sitting in a running car in my closed garage, I came to a realization. We need clearer direction in our foreign policy.
In the past few months, the new administration has shown a startling lack of direction in its foreign policy. As a concerned observer (I have great seats, middle section, aisle), I am worried that our national security may well be threatened by the dangerous steps Mr. Bush has taken. Not consulting with the allies, violating the ABM treaty, nullifying the Treaty of Ghent (meaning the War of 1812 is still on people!) and calling the President of France a “poopyhead.” Granted, he is a poopyhead but one does not say that in polite company.
In analyzing our foreign policy carefully, however, I have determined that we need to take a different angle on this getting along with other people lark. We need to take a lighter, simpler approach. Yet one that involves some ambiguity and at the same time capitalizes off the inherent features of our system. I call this new approach….
National Seuss-curity!
This is based on the writings of the late great Dr. Seuss. Think about how perfect this is–we already have leaders who sound like children’s book characters: Mr. Bush! C’mon, an anthropomorphic piece of shrubbery ruling the nation? Secretary Rumsfeld? Doesn’t that sound like a big walrus with a bushy moustache? Doesn’t it?! DOESN’T IT??
The genius of National Seuss-curity would be in the presentation of our policies to the rest of the world. This can best be explained in an example. Let’s say we announce the creation of an anti-missile shield. Here is what “Mr. Bush” might say in his address:
“My fellow Americans:
I was sitting at home it was too wet to play,
So I sat at my desk on that cold, cold wet day.
Laura was tired and had gone to bed,
So I shot rubber bands at Dick Cheney’s bald head.When suddenly it hit me from out of the blue,
A fantastic new weapon all shiny and new.
It would be up in the stars, far from us all down here,
And when it was up we’d have nothing to fear!It would stop the gambooglewookies and the flimflambanork,
It might even keep the grapptogglemockers out of Maine and New York.
It’s a magic flamflickler with a giant gorzba tickler,
It’s a crazy wogglemooker with a green jigglepooker.It may violate the treaty with the Shazzbads and Aggalwench,
And if anything else it’ll piss off the French.
But it’s my great idea and it’ll work in a pinch,
And we can find 90 billion–that’ll be a cinch.I came up with a name that is beyond all belief,
It’ll stir up your soul and you’ll say, “Hail to the Chief!”
It’s The Great Wobbletompler and it cannot be beat,
All the world will be amazed by our singular feat!Thank you and God bless the United States of America.”
Isn’t this great? Imagine the reaction of the rest of the world!
“Sacre bleu! What is zees “wobbletompler”? Eet zounds very impressive. What does zees do?”
“I say, it has a giant gorzba tickler? One of those sounds like a bloody rum bit of crumpet indeed.”
“Silence!! Za Germans feel zat ze grapptogglemockers are quvite distrubing.”
“Do we all have to talk in these stereotypical accents, you hosers?”
“Ahhh-so.”
And so on. At least, that’s how I imagine it would all play out. In any case, they would be totally thrown off by the whole announcement and we’d be able to keep ’em guessing. That’ll teach those lousy French to mess with us!
And don’t tell me the French aren’t the enemy. Because they will be…oh, they will be.