Well, as you all are about to head home for a weekend of feasting and sleep, gather close for a moment as I remind you of the true meaning of Thanksgiving:
Ahem. And there were Pilgrims abiding in the fields, minding their flocks of corn. When before them appeared a great light and a host of heavenly Indians appeared and brought tidings of great joy. The Pilgrims were very afraid. But the Indians said, “Hey, whitey. Don’t sweat the heavenly light. We bring you bitchin’ tidings. There’s a turkey in our teepee and we want you to eat it ith us. Word.” (The Indians were very hip.)
Unfortunately, the Russians had put missiles in the Turkey and Khruschev had beat out some cranberry sauce with his shoe at the United Nations. So, Captain John Kennedy shipped some poison cigars to Castro and then raised the Pilgrim defense readiness to DefCon 3 – which means that they were pointing sharpened spears at the Indians.
“Bummer,” said the Indians.
Luckily, a group of Pilgrim celebrities got together and recorded an album called “Corn Aid” and sold it “in the name of peace.” With powerful songs such as “Farm that Plot of Land, Bitch” and the gentle love ballad, “Turkey Kicks Ass,” Corn Aid sold nearly four copies before people realized the CD player hadn’t been invented yet. It stands today as the biggest selling pre-Industrial Revolution CD ever made.
This effort at peace could not fail to succeed. And so, the Pilgrims, the Indians, the Bills, the Mighty Ducks, and the Patriots sat down for dinner and wrote the Declaration of Independence. Then, they all got together, invested in real estate, and made a killing on the bond market.
And we continue to be grateful to them to this very day. God bless us everyone. Happy Thanksgiving,