Dear Business Person:
My name is John Grant and I am a recent Magna cum Laude, quid pro quo, Number One Dad!, graduate with distinction of Duke “Better Than Harvard” University. I recently saw your job listing stapled to a telephone pole and I was so excited I nearly wet myself. It has always been my dream job to go to work and receive money in exchange for my services.
As you will see in the attached resume, I have extensive valuable experience. As a student at Duke, I was the SOLE FOUNDER of Duke University Improv – an improvisational comedy group/investment banking firm. In working with DUI, I gained a number of valuable skills: raising $250,000 in a single month for a cancer research charity, learning how to turn $20 worth of arcade tickets won from Skee-ball into a $1.7 million portfolio, setting older business-recruiter type men up with 20 year old nymphomaniac cheerleaders, walking on water, and filing things alphabetically.
In addition to my DUI experience, I have an extensive background in actual work. As an employee at Duke University Conference Services, I have gained valuable experience answering phones, putting people on hold, accidentally cutting people off, and sharpening pencils. This complements my strong computer background. I have worked extensively with the Atari 2600, the Commodore 64, and a Speak and Spell. I am also an avid fan of HBO programming.
In my spare time, I like to review office practices and determine potential money-saving staff reductions. I also like to crochet, predict the future, and develop new methods of sending explosives through US mail. I have attached a copy of my resume and I urge you to review it. I have no doubt you will then be falling over yourself to contact me. I look forward to speaking with you if you can manage to get through – what, with all the other potential employers holding on the line. Please give my receptionist your name and T-shirt size. Even if I choose not to work for your company, I will be sending a “I Offered John Grant a Job and All I Got Was This Lousy T-shirt” T-shirt to you as a thank you for your interest.
I look forward to speaking with you. I love you.
General John Tiberius Maximus William Charles Herbert Grant IV PhD, MD, JD, SPCA