Long-suffering friends and family, we are gathered here today in the sight of God to witness the break up of this man, Jim, and this woman, Sue, joined together after a night of Jack Daniels and salsa music during an office party and now separating after four long… long months.
The breakup is at once a sad and happy occasion. Sad at the end of one relationship, but happy at the renewal of so many other relationships that were cast aside in the rush to spend time together constantly. So perk up, Mom! That phone will ring again as it did before Jim came along. Pop open another can of beer, Ed, Jim will be back to watch the Final Four with you yet again.
Forgive me for a moment here if I editorialize, but I find that today’s society has irrevocably changed the breakup. In the past, the breakup was sacrosanct – upon the repeating of those breakup vows couples would go their own ways, hating each other and feeling awkward around each other’s friends just as God had intended. Now however, in a society of decaying morals, the breakup is never so clean. How many times have I seen bright young couples head off separately into the world only to remain friends with each other? Meeting for dinner, attending events held by mutual friends, and engaging in civil conversations at chance meetings – these are the things that poison a true breakup. And my heart nearly breaks when I see these vows of breaking up broken and couples renewing relationships which they swore – before God, family, and friends – were truly over.
And so, Jim and Sue, I remind you today of the gravity of the vows you now take and ask you to understand the importance of what you are about to do.
At this time, I ask if there is anyone here who sees good reason why these two should not be freed from the living hell of a relationship in which they have been shackled, let them speak now or forever hold their peace.
Very well. Jim, please repeat after me. I, Jim, denounce this relationship and all the benefits and costs of being a part of it and fervently hope that Sue rots in a pit of angry vipers while a primitive tribe throws rocks on her and I look on with my new supermodel girlfriend for as long as we both shall live.
Sue, please repeat after me. I, Sue, denounce this relationship and all the benefits and costs of being a part of it and ache to see Jim cast into Hell and tied to a rock while vultures peck at his undying body in what is simply a grotesque parody of Greek mythology because any original thought applied to anything Jim does would be a waste of effort… for as long as we both shall live.
Then, by the power vested in me, I now pronounce you broken up. Jim, you may take back the necklace you gave her and Sue you can pack up the clothes he left at your apartment and throw them out your window into the street.
Ladies and gentleman, may I present the couple formerly known as Jim and Sue.