Shortly after Jesus was resurrected, the Apostles – Peter, Mark, Matthew, John, Paul, George, Ringo, Eddie “The Snake,” Steve, Wilbur, Donner and Blitzen – met at the Jerusalem Holiday Inn Hotel and Conference Center to discuss their next steps. It was a tense meeting primarily because of all the tension.
As the afternoon wore on, the Apostles decided that they needed to determine how best to honor Jesus’ memory. It was at this point that someone suggested small chocolate eggs. Of course, the Apostles instantly turned this idea down as disresepctful in the extreme to the memory of such a great man who had defied even death. Luckily, Peter then suggested *large* chocolate eggs and everyone was much happier.
As the Apostles got more and more enthusiastic, they decided that small bean-like objects made entirely of chemicals might also be a great idea. Ringo then said that they should make the beans taste like something else entirely – like buttered popcorn! Paul then asked why people wouldn’t just eat buttered popcorn but he was shouted down in favor of the far more vital issue of who would distribute the candy.
The Apostles felt that the obvious answer to that question was a giant rabbit. It should be noted that most historians agree that the Jerusalem Holiday Inn Hotel and Conference Center had an asbestos problem.
The Apostles then turned their attention towards choosing the exact date of Easter. They eventually decided upon a complex formula which allowed Easter to fall on any day between the second week in February and the third week in September and no one would be sure which day until 24 hours prior. This made it very difficult for people to plan their vacations. “Screw people planning vacations!” said the Apostles. Then the manager of the Holiday Inn said, “We rely on people going on vacation to stay in business and we haven’t billed you yet.” The Apostles then replied, “Sundays in April!” “Enjoy the complimentary breakfast,” said the manager.
Finally, the Apostles began to write down everything they had decided on a big piece of parchment which they called “Go Dog, Go!” until someone pointed out that this made no sense. They then called it the “Declaration of Easter.” Even then, Matthew asked, “What’s an Easter?” But, check-out was at noon and there was a Shriner’s convention coming in to the meeting room at 1, so they went with it. Anyway, they lined up to sign the parchment and Peter signed it first with a very large signature so that, as he said, “Fat George can read it without his glasses!”
And so the magical Easter story would be told time and time again in numerous Charlie Brown specials and the stirring Broadway musical “Jesus Christ and the Technicolor Miss Saigon.” Or something. Hmmm, maybe there’s a lot of asbestos in my room, come to think of it. Narf.
Happy Easter.