Several years back, Robert Fulghum wrote a delightful essay about how all the really important life lessons you ever needed to know you had already learned in Kindergarten. Now I’m sure that Fulghum is a wise man, but to actually suggest that we still exist on some level as kindergarteners makes me think Mr. Fulghum is a poopy-head.
Let’s face it, all I really need to know I learned on the subway. It’s a tough world on those morning trains, but behind each trip are the grains of wisdom that form the pearl of knowledge that can be strung into the necklace of freedom hung on the neck of justice. So….
All I really ever needed to know about how to live I learned on the subway. Wisdom wasn’t at the top of the graduate school ladder, but instead deep in some dark tunnels under the ground. These are the things I learned:
- Women are equal to men. No matter if they’re young, old, pregnant, crippled, bleeding from a gunshot wound – whatever. Women are the same as men and there is no reason for a 35 year-old businessman to have to give up his seat.
- Shoving gets you all the best stuff. If it’s worth having, then it’s worth shoving someone out of the way for. The truly important things in life – like getting a seat so you can read – are not gained through patience or virtue, but through shoving smaller, weaker people out of your way.
- Life does not give you second chances. If there is a train at the station when you arrive, YOU MUST GET ON THAT TRAIN. You don’t know if there will be another train in 3 minutes! You can’t take that chance!
- There’s nothing too stupid to be said out loud. Talk about politics, money, sports, or the contents of your pants – if you can speak it, it should be said. And it’s best not to think about it in anyway.
- You may not know where you are going, but you need to get there fast. Shove your way off the train, run to the stairs, push your way through the turnstiles – whatever you have to do to get somewhere faster, do it.
So you see, there are many life lessons to be learned from the train. Valuable lessons about hope, love, fear, and tokens. So those of you unfortunate enough not to have the chance to take a subway every morning – I pity you. You lead empty, empty lives – lives where maybe all you do know you learned in Kindergarten. You poopy-heads.