I go to the gym.
I mentioned this once before in a Thought and then glossed over it in my frantic rush to make some stupid point about wishing I was fat. Or something. I dunno, I don’t read this tripe.
Anyway, the point I am trying to make is that the gym is a great place to observe many different types of people. As I go through my various routines, I take the time to watch the other people in the gym. It should be noted that I do not carry this habit into the locker room. Too much observation there can get you a black eye mighty quick. But nevertheless, I have come to realize that there are three main types of people that go to the gym:
- People like me.
These are my favorite people because we have a lot in common in that we are all like me. People like me go to the gym because they want to actually accomplish various things. Many people are trying to lose weight, and they run and do various stretching things and roll around on giant rubber balls or whatever other ludicrous things personal trainers can come up with. Of course, to lose weight all these people need to do is eat less Twinkies and turn off the TV, but it amuses the rest of the world to see a fat person rolling around on a giant rubber ball.
I, personally, go to the gym because I want to take my shirt off. That may seem like something that would be easy to do so let me clarify: I want to take my shirt off in public. With other people looking at me. People respect big arms and a well-built chest. I want that kind of respect. I want to be able to take my shirt off at the beach, on the basketball court, in elevators, at board meetings–I don’t even want to own a shirt.
- People who want to impress other people.
This is where about 90% of your gym population is going to reside. Now, let me make it clear: as you may even now be noting, my desire to take off my shirt and Bertha’s desire to be thin also seems to be about impressing other people. However, the fundamental difference is that Bertha and I do not want to impress people at the gym–we want to impress them at other places.
The people I am talking about are the people who seem to want to impress other people at the gym. These people can be idenitifed in several ways. One way is to listen for this noise, “YEEARRRGGHHHH!!!” This is the sound of one of these people doing something in the gym: bench press, curl, tying their shoes, breathing, etc.
Along this similar line, you should also look to the people who drop the weights once they have completed a set. Dropping weights also makes a lot of noise and is intended to convey the concept, “YEEARRRGGHHHH!!! I have worked quite hard today with these weights.” My primary concern is that these people might carry this over into their home lives. “YEEARRRGGHHHH!!! I have worked quite hard today changing this baby.” And you can envision the rest….
The people in this category also seem to work hard to convey the impression that they are quite surprised by their incredible strength. Often, after lifting something several times they then put the weight down and stare vacantly into the mirror while carefully feeling whatever muscle it is they were supposedly working on. They may also wander aimlessly in circular patterns around the equipment they have been working out on carefully feeling their biceps and no doubt saying to themselves, “What the devil is this enormous thing? Why, it must be my bicep. How startling it is.”
- People who want to lift something really, really, really heavy and then die.
These are the people who actually look like they belong in the gym. In general, these are very large people who have used up the gym. By that I mean, they can no longer add weight to any of the exercises they do without ripping bricks out of the wall. They only do 2 or 3 reps of whatever it is they lift because their ultimate goal in life is to become so enormous that they lift, say, a three-story Tudor-style home, one time and then immediately die.
So ends our sneak peek into the world of the gym. It is a wondrous world full of magical people. Now if you’ll excuse me, I hear someone coming, and I need to go put my shirt on.