I wish I was fat.
I’m not, but I wish I was. As many of you hot, female T. J. Monkey’s readers may know, I am actually quite lean (but not always mean) and – and I say this for the sake of you beautiful readers – totally ripped. Ok, ok, not really, but I do go to the gym. I go to the gym a) for the exercise and b) for the PR value.
See, when you go to the gym, you get to talk about going to the gym. It’s a great conversation to have on the bus, at work, in confession, during a hostage-taking, etc, etc. What’s great is that people don’t even care what you do at the gym – they’re impressed no matter what. To 90% of the world, the physical act of simply going to the gym is enough to prove your athletic prowess, and they couldn’t care less if the real reason you went to the gym was because they started selling donuts there.
Anyway, the point is, I am not happy with my lean, mean, gym-buffed exterior. I wish I was fat. Because fat people have all the fun.
When you’re fat, you can get away with stuff you can’t get away with when you’re thin. If you’re thin, you can’t walk around with food stains on your shirt and potato chip crumbs in your hair and a big grease stain on your pants – that’s a slob. But when you’re fat, people understand – they think, "What a mess, but I guess when you need to consume as much food as that guy you have to pull out all the stops."
If I was fat, I’d laugh a lot too. Why? Well, I’d be more jolly – like Santa. Of course, my laugh might be a different kind of laugh – you know, one of those laugh’s you’d laugh right before you drove your car full of dynamite into the back wall of a Denny’s.
But the best part about being fat is the power. I want people to get out of my way when I walk down the street. I want people to get nervous when I get up to hit the buffet at a Golden Corrall. I want people to tremble when I board a plane and head towards their row.
These are the benefits of being fat. I wish I was fat. Really fat. I mean really, really, buffet-busting, plane seat snapping, fat, I’d wanna kick thin’s ass. I’d wanna die when I’m 30.
Whoa, hang on, forgot about that. Fat can be a wild ride and can take a lot out of you and next thing you know you’re heading to that great McDonalds in the sky. That’s something to think about.
I wish I was stocky.