ATTENTION OLDER GENERATIONS!! THIS THOUGHT IS DIRECTED AT YOU!!
That’s right old people, you have been called on the carpet by the younger generation. You knew this day would come. Any quick examination of the politics of our day should have made that plain to you. You’ve been screwing up our futures since day one, and it was only a matter of time before we called you to account. And what particular aspect of your tomfoolery has prompted us to finally stand up and tell you off? Is it the rape of our Social Security and Medicare funds by you viagra-popping, pill fiends? Is it the plummeting of our nation deeper and deeper into debt until we all have to sell our kidneys to China and root through the National Sofa looking for spare change just so that we can scrape together some cash for groceries? Is it the pumping of noxious chemicals into our atmosphere until we all mutate into cave-dwelling, flesh-eating monsters ala The Time Machine?
No–you should know us better than that, old people. It’s about sex.
That’s right. We want to know what you did to screw up sex so bad. Whatever it was must have been pretty bad, because you don’t want to have anything to do with it, apparently.
Let’s look at the facts, shall we old people?
Janet Jackson recently made waves at the Superbowl for exposing one of her breasts on television. Now, there’s a lot of debate about whether this was deliberate or not, but I don’t buy it. I don’t know the ways of women very well, but I’m fairly confident that most of you avoid nipple jewlery unless expecting some exposure. Maybe I’m wrong, but I’m going to guess that I’m not. Now, that issue aside, the reaction to this incident is astounding from you old people. Federal investigations, boycotts, angry letters to the papers–I wager that poor old Janet could have wrapped the Pope in an American flag and had a homosexual set it on fire and gotten less of a reaction. And all for what? Because a reasonably attractive woman took off a piece of her shirt for a few seconds.
How about another case: NC-17 films. There’s a new one coming out about kids having sex in France. Now, I doubt that this got its NC-17 rating because it’s set in France. I know we don’t want to expose kids to the French unnecessarily, but I feel where it’s tasteful and sensitively handled it shouldn’t be a big deal. After all, we all know kids are going to pick up their beret-wearing, croissant-munching habits on the streets, but I’m reasonably sure that they can handle it. I do, however, believe this film has an NC-17 rating because it features scenes of people not wearing any clothes and having sex. This film, I imagine, will also set off a storm of controversy.
So, what’s up old people? What happened? When did you all start freaking out about sex?
Now, I’ve had me some of the sex, and I can’t say I’ve got any problems with it. It’s usually pretty nice. One time, I fell out of bed and that was a little embarrassing. Also, I sometimes have trouble when my shoes don’t slip off very easily and you have to stop and try to untangle the double knots. Oh, and once I made out with a cop, which was fine except when the cop took out a gun and put it on the bedside table. Well, you don’t want these things in the way, do you? But, I mean, in general–not too bad, I must say.
Maybe I’ve got the wrong end of the stick here, but it seems to me as if your attitudes about sex are a big part of the problem in our country these days. What do you think it says about us as a country that that we regularly pump out R-rated movies in which people with hockey masks disembowel 20 or 30 people and no one says a word, but a scene depicting two people making love is taboo? How come I can turn on the news and see a man in a desert with his arm shot off, but I can’t see a beautiful woman with her shirt off?
Your generation said, “Make love, not war.” Now you glorify war and you push love and beauty under a rug.
So from one generation to the next, I’ve got to ask….
What happened?