Dear Sir or Madam or Ernest:
I recently was at one of your Starbucks stores in New York City–the one on the East side? I’m sure you know it. Anyway, while there I purchased a Super Grande Caramel Java Machiavelli Mega Caffeine Slam–which, as you are aware, consists of a shot of pure caffeine and a pound of whipped cream served in a coconut held by a large plastic teddy bear with a golf umbrella stuck in it. This item cost me $349.95. I also purchased a scone for $14.95.
I was, to say the least, extremely dissatisfied. I had been led to believe (by which I mean, I just suddenly decided) that drinking such a drink would endow me with superpowers. At best, I expected to be able to leap large building in a single bound and see through people’s clothes; at worst, I had hoped to be able to wear form-fitting tights. At this time, however, I find myself stuck with only a magic lasso and an invisible plane–a state of affairs I find to be highly disappointing.
This is not the first such disappointment I have had in the quaffage of a Starbuck product. Not a week ago, I enjoyed one of your Vermonster Lattes–consisting of all 37 flavors of syrup and some hot milk–fully expecting to be transformed into my menacing alter-ego whom I shall refer to only as “Mr. Hyde.” Upon returning to my place of residence, I was quite disappointed to see that I had not regressed into a slavering, depraved monster, but instead had frighteningly reverted into something I shall only refer to as “Representative Henry Hyde, R-Ill.” Despite some unexpected coverage on C-SPAN, I was again highly disappointed.
I can only say, then, that my past few experiences with the Starbucks corporation have been very upsetting. Although Starbucks makes no claim that its various beverages can result in superpowers and/or identity changes, many people–for no really good reason–have come to expect them to do just that. As such, your inability to cater to the needs of loyal customers such as myself may very well cause a rip in the fabric of space and time setting off a spiralling paradox that could retroactively wipe mankind off the face of the Earth. I don’t wish to exaggerate, but I feel that a strongly worded warning is the only way to make an impact here.
In order to address these serious complaints, I highly recommend that you consider clear signage to the effect that “drinking certain beverages will NOT produce superpowers, identity change into evil beings, pregnancy, or increased sexual attraction.”
I would conclude by saying that I wish you well but that would be a serious misrepresentation of my feelings towards your organization at this time.
Much love,