Ladies and gentleman . . . John.
*Thunderous applause*
Good evening, my fellow Johnians. This evening, I am pleased to announce, that the state of our John IS strong! *Thunderous applause*
But there is so much more that can be done to our John to restore it to its rightful place as the greatest person ever to have lived on this earth. And tonight, I will show you how it can be done. And with your help, it shall be done.
This year, I am proud to announce, that there was once again an approximately $30,000 budget deficit which I look to continue for the next year and a half. Luckily, this has all gone to the improvement of John, and I am pleased to announce, that I have drafted legislation, which will lead to a THIRTY PERCENT reduction in spending on pornography. (*Thunderous applause*) All of this money, will be shifted into the dwindling alcohol budget, and money saved on Saturday and Sunday morning breakfasts and lunches – because of increased alcohol consumption – will be pumped back into the dwindling John economy.
Of course, of significant import, is the continued maintenance of John’s health care. Last year, thanks to an increased interest in antibiotics, John enjoyed the healthiest year of his existence. But we can do more. (*Thunderous applause*) Tomorrow, I will send tough legislation to my brain, which will call for a TEN PERCENT reduction in fatty foods (*Thunderous applause*), a COMPLETE STOP to heroin use (*Scattered applause*), and a twenty percent INCREASE in viewing of educational and mentally soothing programs such as “Lamb Chop’s Hanukkah Special” and “At Home With Bob Villa.” (*Thunderous applause. Chants of “Lambchop! Lambchop!”*) And I promise you this: NO MORE BODY ODOR! (*Wild, screaming applause*)
Turning away from home, we must look abroad. John will no longer stand for the poor state of relations with others. Today I come to you with a solemn promise: MORE women, with BIGGER chests, LOOSER morals, and LOWER tolerances for alcohol!! (*Thunderous applause from the lower house*) We shall implement legislation which requires tougher standards for hookups! (*Thunderous applause*) Now, women must be breathing, they must have showered within ONE FULL WEEK of the hookup (*Applause*), and they MUST have been women for their entire lives! READ MY LIPS: No more sex change operations! (*Standing ovation*)
And so I leave you – the people of John – with these thoughts. What can YOU do, to make John a better person? If you are a woman, see the previous paragraph. If you are a woman who does not qualify, or a man, then you must help to see that these commitments for the new year are followed. If you see John taking heroin – STOP HIM. If you see John spending money on pornography – STOP HIM. If you see John hitting on homeless street-women – BE SURE THEY HAVE SHOWERED!! Together – only together – can we lead John into the 21st century. Thank you, God bless you, and God bless the United John, and help control the pet population – have your pet spayed or neutered.
Good night.