Perhaps this week you will gather with your family and celebrate a little holiday we call “Thanksgiving.” Well, that may be what you call it but I prefer to think of it as “Evil Turkey Hell Die Die Evil Day.”
That’s right, centuries ago our forefathers and foremothers got it into their twisted foreforeheads that they should have a celebration of thanks to God for all the things he had given them in their first troubled year in the New World. They co-opted the Native Americans into their dastardly schemes. The Indians said, “No thanks, we would prefer to stay here and play blackjack and slot machines.” And our forepersons said, “Are you sure you would not rather spend a day in intensive prayer to a God you do not believe in giving thanks for a foothold on your land that will eventually lead to the destruction of most of your civilization?” “Yes. We are sure,” said the Native Americans. But our foremothers were really good at nagging and our forefathers had guns.
Anyway, why make the claim this day of thanks and prayer is so sinister and twisted? Because it celebrates sin and evil! What kind of warped sense of humor did these pilgrims have when they decided to celebrate God by taking part in sin?!
Ah, I see you do not believe me. You consider me some sort of nut because I clash with the traditional views of the world? Or perhaps because I wear my underwear outside of my pants? Well, I’m not. Let us consider this day of evil….
We begin with a massive feast of turkey, stuffing and all sorts of food which we lord over the poor by tossing them a sop as if to say, “Well, yes, I have this massive feast of fine food. Here you go, poor person, have this can of peas and box of Ring-Dings and be grateful for my generosity!” Yes, gluttony! Meanwhile, our mothers swell with pride at the magnificent feast while our aunts are green with envy at the smoothness of the mashed potatoes. The family is greedy for more turkey and pie while they seethe with anger just because, you know, that’s what families do when they get together. After stuffing ourselves with turkey we crawl slowly – dare I say, with greath sloth? – to the living room and watch TV all afternoon all the while lusting after our nubile young cousins. And don’t tell me you don’t lust after those cousins! And there you have it, gluttony, pride, envy, greed, anger, sloth and lust! The seven deadly sins – celebrated on this day of supposed thanks and virtue!
Ha! As you can see I have proved beyond a shadow of a doubt that Thanksgiving is simply a day of EVIL! Cast aside the pie of depravity, the yams of sin, the stuffing of corruption and the cranberry sauce of vice! I saw Goody Tom Turkey dancing with the devil!
Happy Thanksgiving.