Readers of T.J. Monkey’s, lend me your ears.
I come to you today with a mission. Before this decade is out, I will put another of my thoughts back in the Top Ten!
For those who might not be aware, the ranking of T.J. Monkey’s thoughts began shortly after the site was created. Readers were given a voice – a chance to shower some writers (Me) with love and to heap scorn and derision on others (Sean, Scott, Porter, Flynn, Seth, Bret, Nupe, Harris). Upon its inception, the Top Ten included several of my thoughts. Indeed, through its many irregular updates in those early days, the Top Ten often featured at least one or two of my thoughts. One glorious period even featured my Art of War trilogy (all three parts!).
In recent weeks, however, a disturbing trend has arisen. I have been absent from the Top Ten list. Sure! I have been in the Top 50, but what is the Top 50 but some consolation prize for has-been hacks like Scott and Nupe? Or some faint hope of encouragement to Sean and Harris to produce more watered-down humor infused with references to pop culture and movies no one has ever seen? Now, I do not mean to disparage Scott, Nupe, Sean or Harris in any way, but do I belong in the company of these losers?! To that I answer with a resounding, “No!”
How, then, is it that I am relocated to the pits of Top 50 obscurity? I set my sights firmly on the two orchestrators of this bitter injustice: Porter and Flynn! Sure, they attempted to post a “fan” letter explaining these rankings, but an analysis of the letter indicates that no one could possibly like either of these people that much. This leads to only one conclusion: Seth and Bret, innocent, impressionable young writers, were corrupted into the Porter/Flynn web of lies, corruption and sex (oh, you better believe there was sex!) and forced to write fan mail justifying the outrageous rankings in exchange for a pittance–one thought each in the rankings.
Simple statistical analysis exposes the fraud that is the T.J. Monkey’s Top Ten. A recent poll in USA Today asking U.S. citizens to list the issues that are of most concern to them reads as follows:
45% – Domestic terrorism
35% – Porter’s sister
20% – Education
You see? Only 35% of this nation is concerned about Porter‘s sister, yet a discussion of her career aspirations occupies the number 2 spot on the Top Ten! Number guessing, McNuggets, adverbs–the rest of the Top Ten reads as a blatant attempt to advance the divisive Porter/Flynn agenda that threatens to tear the nation apart at its seams.
People of T.J. Monkey’s, now, more than ever, you need carefully thought out, well-constructed discussions on PBS, violence in movies, riding on trains, cheese, irony, milk slabs and Robert Frost. Porter and Flynn have won your minds, but your hearts are still up for grabs! I appeal to you, put right and justice back in the Top Ten!
Today, I declare my bid to return to the Top Ten. But the power rests with you. Cast aside the corrupt regime which has hijacked this website’s creative vision and replace it with a new, bold, and visionary outlook. Join the cause! Vote today! Search the archives and let laughter be your light. The road will be difficult and full of fear, but only through fear will Porter and Flynn maintain their stranglehold on the good people’s of T. J. Monkey’s. Unite behind this glorious mission that I have dubbed “Operation Infinite Monkey.”
Oh, and vote for one or two of Scott‘s, too. The kid could use a break.