To me, kids can be sort of like pets. You can have all sorts of fun teaching them tricks and training them to poop on newspaper. But I do respect kids. I’d never ask one to fetch anything as menial as a stick or a newspaper. A child’s complex brain can handle the complexities of fetching a specific issue of TV Guide, or even a chocolate soufflé. I’d never make one wear a collar all of the time, and I’d never ever leave one in a car alone with all of the windows rolled up. And, as with pets, it is important to give your child a good name.
The first thing to do when you get a kid is to name it. Sometimes people wait a day, a month, a few years. This deprives a child of a sense of self. I once knew a person whose name was ” “. And he’d get all mad when people spelled it “Blank”, but he was a prick. No, I shouldn’t say that. He was really insecure deep down. Didn’t have such high self-esteem, all because of a poor (or lack of) name choice by his parents. Well, luckily I have the foresight to prevent such unintentional child abuse. I’ve already picked out the perfect name for my first man-child, a name that will scream integrity and strength. An ancient name that will stay on people’s tongues long after he leaves their sight. A well-known name associated with money and religion. I will name my son Judas.
Yes, Judas.
I know you think this name might be a bit strange. Well, who are you to judge? Jesus is a very common Hispanic name, so what the hell’s wrong with Judas? It’s in the Bible, for God’s sake! He was a disciple! Now I’m Jewish, so I don’t know a lot about that stuff, but I hear that’s a good thing. People are always saying something about Judas and 20 pieces of silver. 20 pieces! If you account for inflation, do you know how much that’d be now? Well, a lot, I can say that much. You could go down to the local five and shekel and get a whole bag of jelly dates for like less than half a silver in those days. Also, Judas was in Dante’s Inferno and a whole lot of other books. And Judas Priest? Are you kidding me? They rock.
My son Judas is going to be the pillar of loyalty and integrity. I’ll teach him that if people don’t like his name, well, then they’re probably not good friends anyway, so feel free to rat them out to the authorities if said authorities happen to be looking for them. I’ll also teach him to make friends with the important people with all the money, because that’s how to get ahead. “Connections connections connections,” is what I’d say. Also, I’ll play “Hey Jude” by the Beatles a lot, but add “ass” to the end of some off the lines so it goes like this:
Hey Jude-ass
Don’t make it bad-ass
That’s bad-ass.
I totally envy this kid, getting to saunter around the planet with a sweet name like Judas. Give him super powers and a cape and he’d be set! Lucky, lucky Judas. Better thank your Dad in your inauguration speech.