There’s an old song that asks, “Where have you gone Joe DiMaggio? A nation turns its weary eyes to you. Woo woo woo.” The answer of course was nowhere because he was still alive and doing quite well when this song was written.
In recent weeks, however, several local bands were covering this song but changing this line to: “Where have you gone T.J. Monkeys? A nation turns its weary eyes to you. Wah wah wah.” Of course, the key change is the wah wah’s, but also the prominent mention of our illustrious site.
The truth of the matter is that churning out this drivel… er, make that, carefully constructed life observations… can be a grueling and draining process. There have been several thoughts written on how to write a thought, and quite frankly none of them manage to capture the enormous amounts of time, perserverence, and alcohol required to just figure out the title. The only one who has it easy is Flynn who simply creates such enormously complicated sentences making jokes about quantam mechanics and containing formulas for cold fusion that no one realizes he is just copying out of a physics text book. He therefore needs no rest, only more textbooks.
So, how do the fellas at T.J. Monkeys unwind? Well, bottles of Nyquil have always helped, but sometimes you just need to get away. Which brings me to the point of this thought… just where we’ve been.
Nupe, returned to his homeland to find himself. Greeted as a triumphant national hero, Nupe was asked to lead the people of India in the Great March to Kashmir. Streaming into the hills, they finally arrived in Kashmir. Looking around, the Indian leaders suddenly blushed red and said, “This is Kashmir? Wow, what’s this all about? It’s just rocks.” Meanwhile, on the other side of Kashmir, the Pakistanis were saying the same thing and this was immediately followed by the Great March to Get the Hell Out of Kashmir.
Porter meanwhile acquired a following of one very nice young woman from Rhode Island who is the first recorded female to ever like Porter in any way and not be killed in a tragic bus accident. This knowledge prompted Porter to ask, “Hey, who is doing this recording?” At this point, he discovered a cave of monks recording the life of Porter thanks to a clerical error in which for a brief period the Catholic Church believed him to be the second coming of Christ. Of course, once Porter devoted his life to cartooning, eating large amounts of fried food, and watching DVDs, the Pope realized the mistake but felt guilty about telling the monks. So there they stay, toiling away in a cave – which is very hard to find in New York City – fully believing that at any moment Porter is going to spontaneously ascend into heaven and judge the world. As soon as this episode of Monty Python ends.
Strangely enough, while the monks were busy with Porter, Bret spent his off time walking on water, healing lepers, and preaching to people on mountain tops before finally rising to the heavens in a blaze of glory. There were no monks to witness the event, although Bret has a bird who may or may not have seen it happen.
Seth got sick, which is what he does when he needs inspiration for new, funny thoughts. He takes medicine, thoughtfully contemplates various substances emitted from his person, and otherwise wallows in a cloak of pitiful illness until he recovers in time for the onset of a new illness. Doctors once attempted to give Seth a flu shot and he was completely free of illness for six months – a time period in which the funniest joke he could manage involved a rabbi, a preist, Charro, a John Wayne impression, and a sock puppet. At the urging of his friends, Seth stood out in the rain naked for three hours, caught a terrible cold, and was restored to funniness.
Scott never stopped writing thoughts. However, for a brief period of time his thoughts got shorter and shorter until they had condensed to a point of singularity and nothing, not even light, could escape from their gravitational pull. Although fascinating from an astronomical perspective and responsible for an interesting journey to an alternate universe in which the entire world was populated by Scott clones which staged the longest and most complex a capella version of Meatloaf’s “I Would Do Anything For Love” ever known to man, singularities (can you believe all that last bit was just a clause? This is the rest of the sentence) do not translate well into html format and thus Scott’s contribution remains unseen.
Ironically, Harris and Sean each wrote 64 thoughts but Porter was so busy with his female admirer that he was unable to post them to the web site. Now that the site is back up and running, Harris and Sean have immediately ceased to produce any output.
I, for my part, sat quietly in my office here in Washington and clicked on the web page every few minutes waiting for an update. And listening to the voices. If this new thought doesn’t go up soon…
…I’m going to have to kill again.