Monday
Shoplifting
by Harris
Actor Alan Rickman, who played Hans in the original Die Hard film, was caught stealing puppies from an Upper East Side pet shop in New York City. He was stopped on his way out of the store with 2 yellow labs, a collie and a schnauzer stuffed inside his coat. When questioned, Rickman said he meant no harm. “I love puppies, I would never do anything to hurt them. I simply lost the inner lining to my coat. These little ones are a great substitute in a pinch.” Mr. Rickman is being held without bail.
Tuesday
Dean of Diplomacy
by Cason
The President of Columbia was in Washington yesterday pressing for greater trade ties and to meet with President Bush to talk about anti-drug efforts. Not everyone is excited about the meeting, however, “Frankly, I don’t know what Columbia would trade,” said the President of Harvard University, “and we all have drug problems but our opposition isn’t aided by the government, and I don’t know why they should be any different.” The meeting has been compared to other attempts to move up in the rankings such as Princeton’s plan to launch a space program, Dartmouth’s peace negotiations with Afghanistan, and the infamous pegged currency crisis created by Georgia Tech.
Wednesday
Genetics Spawns Perfect Watch “Dog”
by Nupe
Citing the need for animals that are cute/cuddly and also unbelievable ferocious, scientists have formed a new chimeric species known simply as, wolve-puppy. These tiny pups look harmless, but when incited grow large fangs and tear intruders into pieces. When asked who would need such violent animals, Dr. Steven Gallowich of the Institute of Mixed up Animals and Wacky Scientific Hijinks commented, “Probably people who can’t afford burglar alarms. Or maybe people who want to fool burglars into thinking they’re petting a puppy, when actually they’re petting a devious and malicious crime fighting device.” To date, four Florida home-owners and three small children have been injured. Criminals aren’t that worried.
Thursday
Uganda Vote?
by Cason
Ugandans are scheduled to vote today in presidential elections pitting Yoweri Musevini, who seized power in 1986, against a strong challenger Kizzqa Besigye. Musevini denied making moves to rig the outcome saying, “I think that the 68% of the vote I will receive today is reflective of the people. We must recognize that many things influence an individual’s decision of whether or not to vote besides armed gunman and difficult to obtain ballots, such as the weather on election day.” Musevini went on to claim that ever since he violently overtook the country he has worked hard to encourage the principles of democracy.
Friday
Musevini Wins!
by Cason
Yoweri Musevini won the Ugandan Presidency today, receiving 68% of the vote. When accused of beating people who tried to reach the polls, Musevini denied allegations saying he respects Poland, it’s people, and those who, for any reason, want to reach them.