Monday
New Jersey Man’s Dream, Dead at 22
by Scott
Tim Chinman’s “dream of becoming famous” died today at Tim’s home in Weehawken, New Jersey. The Dream was 22 years old. Tim’s Dream was not solely to become famous, but to become “Circus Clown” famous. “And not just your average circus clown,” said Chinman, “but a Barnum & Bailey’s circus clown. That’s right. The Big Time.” Tim attended Billy Bob’s School of Clownin’ in Tempe, Arizona, but sadly never graduated thus dealing a heavy blow to The Dream. The Dream rebounded, and for a while seemed stronger than ever as Tim spent days, weeks, months and years reviewing highlight reels of the great clowns of the past. He also frequented Texas Rodeos and studied the endangered Rodeo Clown, thus explaining the “Wild West” flair he tried to bring to his act. In the end, however, all of Tim’s training, research, passion and ability could not save The Dream. The Dream is survived by his wife, “I want to win a beauty pageant”, and his two sons, “I want to be a rock star” and “I just want to have fun”. Donations to The Dream Memorial Fund can be sent C/O The Greatest Show on Earth, Unicorn Way, Funtown, Wyoming, 00001.
Tuesday
Strike Struck
by Cason
Brazilian prison guards postponed a strike after 20,000 inmates rebelled last week. Apparently the group felt their negotiation leverage was somewhat diminished after already having announced the strike slogan, “We are valuable workers: Only we can prevent a huge prison rebellion.” The guards were also influenced by the realization that the slogan was in English rather than Portuguese and that public demonstrations are punishable in Portugal by prison time. While, if arrested, the guards were almost insured domination of the cigarette trade, the guards’ fear stemmed from a recent poll of prisoners that said there was nothing more sexy than a man in uniform, and the perplexity that would arise from the guards having to guard themselves.
The group quickly organized a new plan, much to the dismay of union officials, the strategy – work hard, impress the bosses, and get a raise. Union officials are planning on going on strike to oppose the guards’ hard work later this month.
Wednesday
Tree Falls In Forest, Sound Possibly Made
by Scott
Early Monday morning a fallen tree was discovered in Lakeland Park. Local hunter Tom Striker was walking in the park when he came upon the tree. He judged that it had fallen “seeing that them roots weren’t in the ground. They was more sideways than standing straight.” When asked if he heard the tree fall, Striker said, “No.” That leaves many experts to ask the question: did this tree make a sound? Weak In News will keep you updated as to any new developments.
Thursday
Mistaken Identity
by Harris
An asian computer programmer from San Francisco, California is taking his cause to the people. Mr. Jan Sung claims he was discriminated against and humiliated in a local San Francisco restaurant. “I can’t believe in this day and age, we have to put up with this kind of bigotted, rascist behavior. It’s disgraceful that I would be treated like that, even in a Benihana.” The restaurant, where Japanese chefs cook food at the customers’ table, has no history of rascist incidents. “Mr. Sung came to dinner at our restaurant on Halloween dressed as a chef. One of the white customers mistook him for an actual chef at our restaurant. This is unfortunate but in no way reflects on our restaurant. Besides, who dresses up like a chef on Halloween?”
Friday
Aliens!
by Cason
The case for life on Mars was bolstered after a mineral was found that is only produced by living bacteria. Meanwhile on Mars the case for life on Earth was bolstered when a Martian bacteria witnessed a complex machine steal a mineral the bacteria had just made.