Monday
Bandana Sues Band
by Harris
The Bandana Company of Seattle, Washington filed suit today against a local Seattle band this week for infringing on their trademarked product. The lead singer says this is all one big misunderstanding. “We were about to go on stage and my guitar strap kept gettin’ in my way and throwin’ me off. So I just took it off my guitar and wrapped it ’round my head. It picked up most of my sweat during the set so I just left it on. I wasn’t dissin’ bandanas; it was just improvisation with the tools I had.” The Bandana Company was not convinced. “We feel this group infringed on the bandana market and as a result bandana sales have dropped 16%. Coupled with the release of their new album, Bandanas Go Home, we feel that legal action is justified.”
Tuesday
Girls Truly Hate Only One Man
by Nupe
In a recent study taken by USA Today and the Gallup Group, it was shown that 97% of women attribute all ill will and malcontent towards the male gender to one man, New York City resident Nupur Mehta. When the majority of the women were asked if they even knew Mr. Mehta, most women replied that they did not recollect ever meeting him, but they knew that they vehemently dislike him. Interestingly enough, the remaining 3% of women constitute all of the women that Mr. Mehta would never consider dating, and these same women were also the ones who noted that they either “liked” Mr. Mehta or found him “tolerable.” When asked to comment, Mr. Mehta replied, “Yeah, I guess that pretty much makes sense. Sorry about that, fellas.”
Wednesday
Blackjack Buys Books for Timmy
by Cason
The City of Las Vegas funds local schools by taxing casinos. Long-term theorists criticize the plan because it produces large fluctuations called “cycles.” The theory suggests kids will eventually become smart enough to realize the odds are with the house, in which case school funding will depreciate, people will once again be duped into thinking the slots are not rigged, and then the schools will again be well-funded, people will stop betting again and so on. Meanwhile the casino industry has turned the cycles into a positive by establishing odds on standardized tests, graduation rates, and lunch prices. The Mayor is also pleased and plans on implementing further programs that tie the gambling industry to childhood learning. The plans include having showgirls serve as substitute teachers, a 9th grade card-counting math elective, and Tony Orlando as the new school superintendent.
Thursday
School Books Increasingly Too Long
by Nupe
According to our nation’s youth, required school literature is becoming more and more lengthy, without a proportional increase in the level of “interestingness.” Alexander Calder Middle Schooler, Amy Chipowich comments, “Like, when I was in fourth grade and stuff, I mean, the books were boring and all, but at least they were short. Now, they’re totally just as boring, but they’re longer.” Amy is currently reading John Stienbeck’s classic, The Pearl. Principal James Brown replies, “Look, the amount and quality of reading must increase as a student progresses through the system. If we had kids reading Choose-Your-Own-Adventure in High School, what would that say about our society, not to mention my job as a principal?” Amy comments, “Whatever, Principal Brown probably just reads stupid pornos all day. Sicko!”
Friday
Really Chill Proctologists
by Cason
A University Professor is pushing for the legalization of a marijuana suppository for medical purposes. While users would apparently experience no high, critics claim the drug would still promote free-love and a lazy no-good attitude. Meanwhile rational human beings criticize the critics, feeling hipsters in a garage saying “pass the rubber gloves” is a distant vision. “I wouldn’t even think of that if I was high,” said one such individual. Meanwhile, drug dealers have avoided the suppository because traditional smuggling techniques yielded no drugs across the border, but simply relieved the smuggler’s pain.