Monday
Man Realizes that Shirt and Tie Don’t Even Match
Lester Jenkins thought that Monday would be a day like any other. He was wrong. "I mean, I like walked out of the door, like, like, a total dork," claims Mr. Jenkins, "My tie was like bright pink and my shirt was blue. I must have been more hungover than I thought." According to friends, Jenkins had been celebrating his promotion to Assistant Vice Manager of Operations at Gap store #241 at local bar, Cannonball Fun, when he got overly intoxicated. Lester’s wife, Thelma, commented, "I always thought that Lester was stupid, but his shirt and tie didn’t even match. I’m so embarrassed." When asked what he plans to do about his current situation Jenkins responded, "I guess I’ll have to change my tie. But, like, I’m not happy about it."
Tuesday
It’s Damn Cold Outside
The entire city of New York experienced “ball-clenching temperatures” this Tuesday as thermometers dropped into the mid-thirties. "Yo," claimed a New York resident, "I ain’t down with this shit. My balls is all clenched up." New Yorkers are being admitted in record numbers to local area emergency rooms with what can only be described as temperature related shrinkage, and dozens, even thousands, of residents are postponing their plans to run naked in public locations. "Shit, if I’m gonna hafta go to da emergency room just ’cause I wanna run down Park Avenue with my boys out, then I ain’t gonna do it," claims Jorge Martinez, performance artist and area streaker. "I mean, I might as well just put my balls on a block of ice or sometin like dat, you know? People would watch that shit."
Wednesday
Online Shopping Accidentally Turns into Surfing for Porn
More and more Americans are using the Internet to find low prices on everything from books to electronics, but many online shoppers are unaware of the constant threat of accidentally taking some time out to search for porn. "Yeah," says New Jersey entrepreneur Walt Wilkens, "when you’re searching for a sweater for your mother, sometimes you type in, www.bigjugs.com instead of www.bighugs.com. And once you’re there, you gotta look, right? I mean, I’m not some sort of queer or nothin’." More and more, pornography sites are attempting subterfuge to draw traffic to their lascivious dens of sweet, sweet nakedness. Sites such as travelotitty.com, mp3some.com, and tjmonkeysex.com trick surfers by making their names similar to familiar sites. Accidental hits have jumped up 0.2% in the last six years. Dean of Harvard business school, Jack "The Dean" Johnson comments, "Hey, that’s a really good idea, have they thought of yahoe.com or maybe, sweatygrandmas.com? That would be a great business plan." Pundits argue that these so called accidental hits are not really accidents at all. "I mean, come on," sighs columnist Shelly Shellerston, "Do you really think guys are trying to type in www.amazon.com and accidentally type, www.amabone.com? Seriously, who would believe that?"
Thursday
Trust the Experts on Experts
Many economists predict the current economic slowdown will not lead to joblessness, but rather unemployment. When pressed the experts admitted they were confused and many resigned. Experts pointed to other experts’ overzealous attempts at being right all the time as their downfall. They also noted the lack of companionship.
Friday
British to Avoid the Stroid
The United Kingdom’s Ministry of Science has announced plans to start work on protecting the earth against asteroid assaults, which experts say occur every 100,000 years. The Head of the Ministry said he hopes to have a preventive system ready before he and every other member of the Ministry are struck by lightning. Asteroids are thought to be responsible for two extinctions already including that of the dinosaurs – much to the delight of Disney’s EPCOT Center. Eye witness Strom Thurmond said, “It is always sad to see a dinosaur die, and the whole species, well, that’s really sad.” While the Ministry denies the anti-Asteroid plan will involve drillers (as in the almost-hit movie Armageddon), they did suggest Bruce Willis will be used in some capacity. They also indicated they will use math and science.