Monday
Poly Want Some Smackers?
by Cason
An anonymous donor agreed to give Rensselear Polytechnic Institute $360 million in cash, perhaps the largest gift to a U.S. college. The school would not provide details about the donor, but it is speculated he/she is a millionaire. The institution is planning on using the money to determine what Polytechnics are, launch a student-run Space Program, and change the sign in the front of the college to read Anonymous University–named surprisingly not after the donor but after the great poet.
Tuesday
Sources Strike!
by Cason
The Society of Sources went on strike today demanding higher pay for their news tips. The society threatened all news publications, including this one, saying, “You will have no news without us.” Sources accidentally forgetting it was their strike indicated the protest will end tomorrow. However, due to a lack of sources there will be no news today.
Wednesday
No Need for the Old No. 2
by Cason
FairTest, a group advocating less reliance on the SAT and ACT, indicated college admission tests are optional at 383 of the 1,788 four-year schools in the U.S. “Our goal is for every school in the nation to allow the tests to be optional,” said the group’s spokesperson “and we are proud to be half-way there.” When asked what problem the group was trying to ameliorate, the spokesman looked confused and asked for a rephrasing of the question. The reporter tried to explain what he was asking by saying “Viagra is to impotence, as this group is to what?” but the spokesperson remained perplexed and ate a pencil.
Thursday
It’s Rude to Interrupt
by Cason
Secretary of State Colin Powell announced today there was little need to restart peace talks in the Middle East until violence in the region ends. Powell then ended the press conference saying it was pointless to continue until the news had been announced and his opinion had been offered. Powell then went to lunch (because he was already full) with President Bush to talk about strategy for last falls election.
Friday
Shoe Gumshoe
by Cason
Berluti, a top French Shoemaker, sued Gucci after accusing the company of copying two of its men’s shoe models. Berluti’s claims emerged when Gucci came out with shoes that were also for men, of a loafer type, and that were offered in both a left and right shoe. Berluti’s shoes range in price from $1500 to $85,000 depending on just how stupid the customer is. The price of a cow, whose hide could be made into roughly 100 pairs of shoes, is $500. The price of a mad cow is $33. The price of Gucci’s alleged copied shoes is based on the cost of the leather plus a spy stipend, a mimic-designer fee, production costs, and a 20% profit–or roughly $200. The cost of the legal fees for the suit is roughly $1.5 million, or 16 -100 Berluti pairs of shoes, 300 cows, 4500 mad cows, or 750 Gucci pairs of replicas.