In my never-ending quest to uncover the hidden conspiracies that plague our society, I submit for your approval The Pork Lobby.
The Pork Lobby: a powerful special interest group wholly supported and composed of hog farmers, delicatessen owners, Italian chefs, barbecue manufacturers, hot dog manufacturers, spam manufacturers, Monty Python fans, and any other purveyors of fine and not-so-fine pork an/or pork related products. The Pork Lobby: a powerful special interest group that is perhaps more influential in Congress than The Beef Lobby, The Chicken Lobby, and The Tobacco Lobby combined. The Pork Lobby: putting us in danger every single day.
Fact: Billions of dollars run through the pork industry every single day. Fact: al-Qaeda is a militant Islamic terrorist organization responsible for the deaths of thousands of Americans. Fact: al-Qaeda has issued an ultimatum to the United States; convert to Islam or die. Fact: Practitioners of Islam are known as Muslims. Fact: Muslims don’t eat pork. Fact: None of the billions of dollars running through the pork industry are Muslim dollars.
Intelligent assumption: If al-Qaeda “wins”, everyone is forced to convert to Islam. Intelligent assumption: With everyone a Muslim, and under strict Islamic law, all swine are systematically eliminated from the earth; pigs become extinct. Intelligent assumption: as pigs go extinct, so go The Pork Lobby and all the industries that support it.
Shield your eyes, folks, because the lid has been blown open. It’s The Pork Lobby that’s keeping this War on Terror on the table! Invade Iraq, topple Sadam, and open up a whole new market to pork and pork products! That’s what it’s all about people. Pork! “No blood for oil”? Feh! “No blood for pork” is more like it! Yeah, you can’t pin this one on the Jews! Not this time!
That’s right, Pork! I know! We all know! And we’re not sacrificing our youths for what I imagine to be your succulent goodness! Not anymore!
Well, I suppose there could be other reasons for the state of world affairs. I suppose it could be more complicated. But I’m sticking with my Pork Theory! Achem’s razor, people! The simplest solution is probably the correct one. Q.E.D.