Oh, man, I am BEAT. That was just a helluva workout, Jesus. I tell you, people who tell you hot dog eating contests are just jokes, just carnival stuff, phew, you tell ’em to come down to Coney Island on July 23rd! You think those aren’t twenty-five of America’s finest ATH-letes out there, you’re thinkin’ WRONG, boy!
Gimme some a that soda. Good Lord, I musta downed those first five in about thirty seconds. Now, look, people talk about Barry Bonds, right? “Barry Bonds hit a lotta home runs!” “Barry Bonds,” you know, “run a lotta bases.” And, fine, give the man his do, but what? He uses maybe at best his arms and his legs, right? To play baseball? Am I right?
I get up there, I’m using my arms, putting the dogs in my mouth, you know; my mouth, for chewing; my stomach, for digesting; my legs, for walking up there ‘n’ whatnot; my brains, because you gotta be thinking up there, people think-
People think, it’s just a one-track thing, gimme some a that coffee, wanna get the poos goin’, people think it’s a one thing on your mind. You know, just, “Lemme eat as many dogs I can,” and that’s it. But there’s strategy, see, there’s bluffing, you gotta watch the other guy, pace yourself. There’s a Japanese boy last year who dips the buns in water, eats ’em separately. That’s thinkin’! Think you think a stuff like that ‘thout thinkin’? No, sir!
Ah, anyway, people think stuff, and they’re wrong, ‘at’s my point. Coffee’s workin’, I gotta hit the pot. People don’ know ’bout that either. The “second half.” I spend more time on the throne than on stage eatin’. Heh. Damn it.
But it ain’t about the stage. The fans, the people watching. It’s about the love of the game.
You get up there, you’re downin’ three dogs at once, nearly chokin’, your stomach burstin’, you’re sweatin’, stinkin’, slobberin’ all over your damn self. But you get done, you’re exhausted, your hands on your knees, leanin’ forward to stave off vomit. You sit there, and it’s like the mountain climber said, “Because it was there.” ‘Cept it’s ’cause it ain’t there now. THAT’S why you do it. ‘Cause you saw that pile a dogs beforehand, and now they AIN’T there. And you did it.
THAT’S an athlete. Get Barry Bonds out here, put some dogs in fronta him, we’ll see how he does. THAT’S it. THAT’S why it all goes on.
Anyway, that’s what I think, for whatever the good God damn that’s worth. I am an athlete. And I got integrity. And I deserve the respect what an athlete deserves. What Barry Bonds deserves. So treat me with the respect’t’s due me. That’s all I ask.
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I gotta take about a 10-pound dump. Jesus, these all-beefers’ll do ya, right? Heh. (burp) God damn it.