Long ago, deep in the land of Middle-Office, I worked in the Land of Alphabetical Filing. It was a peaceful land – very organized – and we were a peaceful people. Quietly we went about our lives and wanted no business with the rest of the office.
One day, into our peaceful realm came a figure I had only heard of in legend – Bill, the White Wizard of Accounting. It took me a moment to recognize him but his features were well-known – he was bent over with age, his face wizened and gaunt, and his eyes gleaming with fire. Plus, he had a big pointy hat with stars on it. I bowed low and said, “Mighty Bill, what brings you to our humble land?”
Bill the Wizard smiled and said, “I have come for you, John. I have walked many floors and seen many things. Dark shadows are gathering. There is much danger ahead.”
“Bummer,” I said.
“You have been chosen, John. Chosen for a quest of great danger. The pencil you have been using – it is the lost Pencil of Power.”
“You mean the pencil that whenever I write stuff turns me invisible?”
“That’s the one. Anyway, it is one of the Office Supplies of Power. As foretold in the old legends:
One pencil to rule them all,
One staple to bind them,
One rolodex to list them all,
And in the darkness bind them,
On the desk of Steve where the shadows lie.”
I thought for a moment about the cryptic verse. “Is that Steve in HR?”
“Right, he used to be up in Payroll. Anyway, he forged the Office Supplies of Power many years ago, but they were scattered during the Great Personnel Reshuffle in the Dark Days of the Merger.”
I suppressed a shudder. There were many tales of those dark days. The Personnel Office was still a dark place filled with the shadows of all those laid off in the dark years. Dark, dark, dark, darkety-dark.
“The other Office Supplies of Power have been taken home in the Purse of Sue – the Gray Witch of Reception. But Steve still hunts in vain for the Pencil of Power which you hold. If you can destroy the Pencil then his power will be broken, but if you fail then Steve will reassert his power over all of Middle-Office. You can only destroy the Pencil by casting it into the boiling hot reservoirs of coffee in the Break Room of Doom.”
With that, Bill disappeared in a puff of smoke and left me to my quest. I began to pack my meager supplies and set out on my quest with the Pencil of Power. I journeyed down the hall towards the Elevators of the Dark Lord Gauron. I walked cautiously for many minutes and soon found myself facing the Elevators of Gauron.
I looked at the inscription on the wall: the Riddle of Gauron! How many times had I pondered its meaning? But now, now it was oh so much more important. Two buttons – one above the other. I contemplated them for a moment. One would lead me up, the other down – but which? At last, I took my fate in my hands and stretched out my finger to the top one. I pressed it and suddenly it shone with a fierce light – as if lit from within by a pit of fire! There was a “bing” sound and the Elevators of Gauron opened before me. I leaped inside and began the arduous ascent to the Break Room of Doom.
The doors opened on the 35th Floor of Middle-Office. I stepped out and with an angry bellow the Elevator of Gauron returned to the bowels of the building. I was on the forbidden 35th Floor – home of the Mail Room of Horror and the Duplication Office of Mild Discomfort. Down at the end of the hallway I could see the steam wafting through the door of the Break Room of Doom.
I edged cautiously down the hallway and suddenly there was a bright flash. The Dark One stood before me! Steve from Human Resources! He loomed over me like… like… like a big, loomy thing and menace dripped from his leering grin. “At last! The Pencil Bearer comes to my domain. Give me the Pencil of Power!”
I clutched the Pencil in my hand. I had never felt fear like this before. Steve! Dark Lord of HR! The Evil One! The Punisher of Payroll! His power was awesome, his invincibility the stuff of legends. No power in all the 35 floors could defeat his dark rule, it was said. How could I, a mere Alphabetizer defeat this power?
By kneeing him in the crotch, that’s how. Doesn’t matter how many kingdoms of evil you rule, a good smack to the family jewels oughta take care of any problems. Having dispatched Steve with ease, I raced down the hallway and hurled the Pencil of Power into the Break Room of Doom and Steve’s power was broken forever.
I returned triumphant to the Land of Alphabetical Filing and lived in peace happily ever after.