I think, when it comes to naming people, the Native Americans had it right. Whispers Like Babbling Brook, Plump As Ripe Berries, or Hairy As Bald Eagle. These names enabled the Native Americans to avoid the whole getting-to-know-you process and left them more time to hunt, skin, or create spiritual remedies. A radical new historical theory hypothesizes that Western naming contributed to the genocide of the Native American people. The anonymous naming style of the Europeans not only disabled the Native Americans’ usually keen sense on judgment, but left them less time to do things like develop immunity to smallpox.
Native American naming could have very positive results on our modern, fast paced society. Names like Runs Fast Like Antelope can really help when choosing teams in gym class, as long as you know that, yes, antelopes do indeed run quickly. You’ll thank the new system now that you can easily avoid Smells Like Rotten Fish and Really Big Asshole. And how smart will you be when you name your son Better At This Sport Than Everybody Else. Ok, that particular one has been done. But the idea is good. No, brilliant! So, go! Rename! Make all of our lives easier! Help me avoid getting to know people! Help me judge them superficially! Thank you for your time.