It’s a scary world out there today. With all the controversy surrounding social security and other government stuff, nobody wants to be an old person. I mean, as much as it sucks that their bodies are slowly decaying and that they live life constantly on death’s door… Oh wait… that sucked more than I had originally planned. Allow me to rephrase: On top of having their bodies slowly decaying and living their lives constantly on death’s door, they don’t have any money because they don’t have any jobs, and they’ve trusted reckless practices like sound investing to take care of them in their old age. The situation is only gonna get worse. With all of our medicine and vaccines and sugar, my generation could end up living till they’re 150. Yipes! Stripes!! Fruit Stripes Gum!!!
Well, don’t expect Bret E. Runestad to fall prey to the trap of senior citizenship. You see, I’ve got a plan. And taking a page from periodicals that focus on money and the stock market and such, I’m gonna take my plan – which would only really be successful if I were the only one to do it – and I’m gonna tell the literate world about it so that it doesn’t really work for anyone. The rub (Ay!) of course being that nobody takes me seriously and my plan will work after all.
Instead of investing in the stock market, I’m gonna invest in human capital. As soon as the papers go through, I’m gonna adopt a baby. Now, I know you think I’m crazy – and not in the Britney Spears or even Aerosmith way, but more of a Seal kind of crazy – and you’d be right except for the second brilliant step in my brilliant plan. I’m not gonna give this baby any normal name like Bob or Susie or Npengoik. Turn on the television the next time there’s a sporting event – you see all sorts of crazy names: Shaquille, Edgerrin, Kobe… There’s even a wide receiver in the NFL named Peerless Price. With a name like that, could he be anything other than a sports star? “Wow, Peerless, you are without equal in the field of plumbing.” Yeah, as if!
That’s why I’m gonna name my child Superior. Superior Runestad will one day take the sporting world by storm, make millions, and take care of old pappy when pappy gets old – which seems to be a requirement of being a pappy in the first place which then consequently makes my statement somewhat paradoxical even though the first “old” used was meant to describe affection or kinship and not an advanced age. I tip my hat to you English language, you’ve proven to be a worthy adversary.
I’ll tell him I named him after the lake he was conceived on, which won’t make any sense because he was adopted. But I’ll tell him that very early in his life – before he really understands what the words “conceived” or “adopted” mean. That should leave him pretty confused and unable to think for himself – just the way a sports star should be.
It’s time to set up a crib in the dorm room and welcome Superior into the world. And don’t worry Superior, there’s no pressure. If your athletic career doesn’t work out, I can always rely on your little brother – Betteratthissportthaneverybodyelse. Betteratthissportthaneverybodyelse J. Runestad.