I would like to put an end to something going on in our country that no longer can be tolerated, and that is the use of the horrible racial slur, “American Indian.” For so long it has been an expression that seems to be acceptible, often even preferred, but who can imagine a more spiteful term. Here’s how I see the scene when the Vikings first landed in our fair country:
Viking: We have discovered a new land, a place where we can prosper and discover new resources.
Native American: Oh, sorry I didn’t see you at first. This land is actually ours horn-head. Please kindly get the fat chick out of our corn field and get back on your ship….please. Did I say please?
Viking: Terribly sorry. It was probably our navigator Lenny’s fault.
Lenny: Sorry.
The natives were able to live peacefully for quite some time before Columbus landed with his hip-hop pilgrim posse, Nina, Pinta, and Santa Maria style!
Columbus: We have landed in India, all of the spices shall be ours!
Native American: Umm, actually this isn’t India at all.
C: Sure it is, and you’re an Indian.
N.A.: No, umm actually I’m not, and please stop poking my belly-button.
C: Look Indian give me spices, like tarragon and sage.
N.A.: I’m NOT Indian and you need to leave. Peace out.
C: Well if this isn’t India, I claim this land for Spain.
N.A.: You can’t do that. No one owns the land, except if you want to build a casino.
C: Nope, it’s Spain’s now. I will call it, ummm…New Spain.
N.A.: Your name sucks and you can’t have our home.
C: Fine, I’ll change the name. Hey Eduardo what’s that porno dealer’s name? We’ll name it after him.
Eduardo: Amerigo, boss.
C: America it is!
E: No, Mr. C, it’s AmeriGO.
C: So it’s settled. America. Now you’re an American.
N.A.: I don’t have time for this.
C: Thyme?!?!
N.A.: Yes, time, I don’t have…
C: Bring the thyme Indian. Wait you’re American now. Oh well, you can be an American Indian.
N.A.: But I’m not either of those!
Eduardo: Hey, at least you’re not French.
And thus was born the term, “Native American,” an awful expression that we need to abolish. Instead I propose, “Columbus Hater” or “Ethnic Group We Pretend to Have Shared a Feast With So We Can Give Thanks For Something In This Country of Raping and Pilaging.” Oh, and while we’re at it we should also call cats “fuzzy twinkle puffs”. Thanks.