Monday
Have you seen your NASDAQ lately?
by Nupe
In a recent poll by USA Today/Gallup, 99.9% of the population has no idea what the letters in NASDAQ stand for. The majority of the population is familiar with the NYSE, and the AMEX, but America’s traditional technology bellweather is as of yet unidentified. Weak in News has also recently discovered that no one really cares.
Tuesday
ZZZZZZZZ = $$$$$$$$$
by Cason
A National Sleep Foundation study claimed Americans are sleeping less and working more. The Foundation, which is the only organization to pay workers according to hours slept, with bonuses for naps and concussions, was outraged at the excessive work and is suggesting legislative solutions to combat the problems. The proposals include a penalty tax on orchestras, lowering trade sanctions on Red Bull, and subsidizing the production of the never popular ‘contour pillow’ (as seen on TV). Unfortunately the Foundation is working so hard on finding a solution, the workers themselves are in danger of becoming just another statistic. “Last night Billy from advertising was here until 2 A.M. working on a plan to push for Thanksgiving twice a year,” said a spokesperson for the Foundation, “we had to ask him to sleep late this morning just to get in his minimum billable hours.” The Foundation said it was planning on hiring lazy teenagers as a temporary solution to the worker shortages.
Wednesday
Riding Off Into the Big Grey Cloud
by Cason
The Transportation Secretary announced that Commercial Jetliners should be allowed to take off even if storms are in their path because pilots have the ability to steer around them. The plan would dramatically reduce delays, while increasing crashes, casualties, and storm-related fatalities. The Secretary’s other plans include–increasing the number of flights per day by getting rid of pesky pre-flight engine examinations, decreasing ticket costs by eliminating the highest salaried employees (pilots), and increasing customer satisfaction by replacing oxygen masks with lone-ranger masks.
Thursday
Madison Square Rose Garden
by Cason
President Bush announced plans to play T-ball games on the Whitehouse lawn in an effort to reinvigorate baseball as America’s favorite past time. Bush also hopes to turn the oval office into an arcade, make the Senators play darts for leadership positions, and start a secret service series of “Survivor” all in an effort to boost America’s appreciation for games. “Games are fun,” the president said, “wars and economy stuff are not.” When asked about war-games, the president looked confused, then really excited, and then confused again. The person to throw the first pitch in the inaugural game has not been announced, and while the Vice President pushes for Gary Coleman, the first-lady stands her ground that there should be no first pitch in a T-ball game.
Friday
Finding the Interview
by Cason
About 21% of 1,000 workers surveyed by FindLaw.com, a law web site, said they had been asked inappropriate questions in job interviews. 21% also said they took offense to the question, “what was your GPA in law school?” Also 37% said they found the law before visiting FindLaw.com, 7% said they could not find FindLaw.com, and 93% said they wanted to be known by name not as some statistic.