Here at T.J. Monkey’s, we write what we want, and sometimes what we want coincides with what people search for (for examples, see this Thought, or this one, or this whole section). Or at least, sometimes the words and titles we write, when rearranged in a random fashion, seem to coincide with what people search for. The problem is, since usually our titles are misleading (in that they imply we actually provide any information about any subject at all), people come to the site through search engines, begin reading the Thoughts, realize they are stupid humor essays, and quickly and unceremoniously surf away.
Well, I’ve decided to get proactive. I want to make Thoughts that will show up in search results pages, but furthermore, I want the people who come to the site through these search pages to really enjoy what they get. Since porn is still the number one thing searched for, I figured a good way to start would be to name a Thought after some weirdass sex term, then deliver the goods by writing a classic T.J. Monkey’s Thought, but sprinkling in some specific weirdass sex stuff to keep those search results people interested. Wish me luck. Here goes:
I was at the grocery store the other day, and can I just say, I have a problem with a specific thing those damned cashiers do! I was getting some groceries, some cereal and chex mix, and the cashier was ringing me up. It was $5.38 total, and I gave her a $20 bill. So she goes to get my change, right, but before she gets out the bills, I guess in order to make sure her hands are a little sticky and get out one bill at a time, she puts her hand on this little piece of lemon she has by the cash register!
She also then let me urinate on her while we have sex.
So now I have lemon scented bills, people. Lemon? Lemon??? Did you ASK me if you could put lemon on MY bills? I mean, do what you want on your own time, with your own bills, but I prefer to not have my dollar bills have a damn lemon scent on them, I mean am I RIGHT? I mean, come ON! What’s next? Vanilla scented bills? “Here’s a $5 bill.” “Yes, I can tell without even looking, all $5 bills smell like lavender, so I already knew!” Ha! I mean, really! I like my bills the old fashioned way: unscented.
I also like to urinate on people while having sex with them.
Anyway, the lemon thing really got to me, it sort of reveals a whole underlying thing that goes on in grocery stores these days. Remember back when you always heard, “Paper or plastic?” Always got asked that, right? Not anymore. I mean, you can go out of your way and ask yourself for paper, but it’s pretty much all plastic these days, if you don’t ask. It’s not that I WANT paper, I just want the OPTION. I know it’s weird, but I’m a quirky guy! That’s just who I am! I like things the way I like them, you know? Sometimes, I ask for paper bags, then just save them and bring them in the next time and ask the cashier to use MY paper bags!
I also save urine in jars, in case I suddenly want to have sex with someone but don’t have the immediate need to evacuate my bladder.
Anyway, I guess I should give these guys and gals a break. I mean, they work hard, and it’s probably the company that makes them ask or not ask. Actually, there’s a really cute cashier where I normally shop, and I hope she doesn’t read this. Because I haven’t had a girlfriend in a while, have I mentioned that? In fact, here’s a list of things I’d like to be asked about before they happen in the grocery store though:
- If I want lemon on my damn dollar bills
- If I want paper or plastic
- If I can have that cute cashier’s phone number!!!!
- If I can urinate on that cute cashier’s face before, during, and after I insert my penis into her vagina
Anyway, I guess I’m just a quirky guy who writes for a humor website no one reads and who wants what he wants (and needs a girlfriend). But that’s just who I am, and I’m not changing! So the grocery stores better!!!!
Well, thus endeth the Thought! I think that was a real classic Thought, too, so I hope our regular readers hardly even noticed the extra stuff we added. I mean, that stuff about “paper or plastic”: so true, right? Heh, oh, man. It’s funny because it’s true. I mean, I think the stuff that’s really the best on this site is when it really comes from the heart. Those are my favorite Thoughts. Especially Bret‘s, you know? I like Bret‘s Thoughts the best, and I think it’s because they just drip with earnestness.
And urine.
My urine.
Bret‘s Thoughts drip with my urine. Because I print them out, urinate on them and then have sex with them. All the time.
Really.
This is not part of the joke of this Thought. I really do that.
Have a great day and keep reading!