Oh my dear lord, I cannot take you people one second longer! Here! Here I am, ok? Right frickin’ here! Yes, I’m Bigfoot, or Sasquatch, or The British Columbian Mountain Monster or whatever the hell cockamamie name you all have come up with. Stop following me, stop hounding me, and for the love of Pete stop taking fuzzy pictures of me, alright? Here I am! I’m no ape, I’m no missing link. I’m a funny-looking bear! That’s right, you heard me, a freakish- looking, misshapen-headed, tall and bloated bear! Why the hell do you think I tried to live in hiding all these years? Because I’m the George Clooney of the animal kingdom? Or is it perhaps because I resemble more closely the love-child of Bea Arthur and Andre the Giant (may he rest in peace)?
Do you know how hard it is to live inside this body? Do you realize how important looks are in the homosexual bear community? Oh, did I mention I’m gay? Well why should it matter anyway? Oh, it does, it does! You have to be some pretty, buff bear to get any kind of recognition in this community. Either that or one helluva cabaret act. Clearly I’ll never possess the rugged good looks of a Smokey or a Gentle Ben. I would settle for those of a Yogi (if they came with a Boo Boo, of course, or a Snagglepuss. Scrumptious!). But I have been saddled with these rugged blank looks, so I work on my cabaret act.
That is, I would if I could ever stay in one place long enough to make my twig and berry piano. They’re not portable, you know. Every time you run me out of my little hideaways I have to start over. At this point I only know “Somewhere Over The Rainbow”, John Denver’s “Country Road”, and Cher’s “Half Breed”. Hardly an act. Barely an actlette. So please. Leave me the hell alone.
Here I am. Take your pictures, gape all you want, and get over yourselves. Don’t make me drink my gummy bitchy juice. Oh, please. Don’t act all surprised. Just because the Care Bears are gay doesn’t mean they’re gay and it certainly doesn’t mean we all care.
Did you just ask me about Yeti? You did not just ask me about Yeti. No you did not! That’s it, I am out of here. If you follow me I will make your lives miserable. That’s a threat and a promise, so don’t screw with me! Ugh, straights. And humans to boot. Kiss my big gay weird-looking bear’s ass