Well, the Bret Runestad 2003 Goodwill Reunion Tour has officially been cancelled. It took a long while for me to get over the failure of my first Goodwill Tour, the results of which I documented on this site on June 10th of last year. I mean, that experience really stung and I was left with some deep physical and emotional bruising.
So it was that I spent several months in seclusion from the world, holding back the joy that it so clearly needed from me. I mean, I was in a really rough place. I’m ashamed to say that at my lowest moments I sent some mental ‘Cold Pricklies’ in the direction of Shea Stadium concessions employees and at one point I “darned them all to heck.” Like I said, I was in a really rough place.
Then there was a real wake-up call for me when one of my friends explained the etiquette of stadium-vendor distractions. It had been over a half a year since I had been ejected from the stadium to the chants of an angry mob, but it still felt like I had mustard on my face. You know, proverbial mustard.
I then decided that in light of recent world events I would have to respond. The world was divided. I could unite it. It was time for the Bret Runestad 2003 Goodwill Reunion Tour. The premise would be the same as the original tour. I would go out into the world and simply by smiling, waving, and saying “hey” to complete strangers, I could bring some happiness into their day — happiness that would spread like the bubonic plague through the Europe of olden times until the whole world was ‘infected’.
I walked out of my New York City apartment with an eager stride and a happy mouth.
“Hello there!” I exclaimed, smiling, “Good day to you!”
“Dat’s one crazy cracker…”
“Crazy for happiness!”
Well, things seemed to be going well but I wanted to really sink my teeth into the sad tastiness of the Big Apple. Then the answer struck me like a big splash of muddy water: Taxi Drivers! That’s where I would start! They sit there all day sadly in their vehicles, fighting traffic and slowly giving in to the melancholy life they lead. Well, not anymore! The cab drivers were about to get a joy infusion!
Now, I decided that to start it would be best to target cabs with no passengers, as those cab drivers would be the loneliest. So I stood out on Broadway, waving to the first oncoming available cab. He stopped! It was working already. I opened the door to give a brief word of encouragement before I sent him on his way to spread happiness.
“Hello there! And good day to you!”
“Where you wanta go?”
Winking, I replied, “To the land of gumdrop waterfalls and marshmallow dreams!”
“Very funny.”
“Well you have a good day now. Cheerio!”
At this point he told me to perform a specific sexual act on myself and sped away giving me (of all the things imaginable) the middle finger!
Then I turned around to find that a crazy man was peeing on my leg.
I write to you now from my bath-tub where it seems that the odor of another man’s urine stays in one’s mind even after you have scrubbed to the point of drawing blood. It seems that until the world is ready to be changed for the better, this tub will be as good of a place to sit as anything.
“Right Mr. Happy Washcloth?”
“Right.”